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There he stood, in his underwear, stuck in the doorway between the bedroom and the bathroom. He’d been on his way to floss when he picked up the distress signal coming from the other side of the room: a little sigh in the middle of my string of words. He immediately stopped in his tracks, turned around, raised his eyebrows, and cocked his chin at me. Woah. His instantaneous compassion made me stop in my verbal tracks and stare back at him in wonder. I didn’t know whether to weep or giggle. Does he, I marveled, really care about my diatribe? So much that he’d stand still in the chill and wait it out?
He did. He did stand still—right there in that doorway—without begging or bailing out for a good fifteen minutes. Why? Because my aching heart was more important to him then his chilly, aching back.
What my good husband did for me is called “turning toward” and it is THE secret to a successful relationship. According to Dr. John Gottman, premiere researcher into what makes marriages succeed or fail, it is critical that your partner feels certain that you are there for them. “Turning toward” is not about doing things for each other necessarily; it’s more about teeny-tiny-pocket-sized responses to everyday situations: responses that communicate “I love you” by showing “I’m here for you honey.”
Let me illustrate how simple “turning toward” really is. I’ll use examples from my book, Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage that contrast turning toward, with turning away and turning against:
Spouse walks in the door with the classic, “I’m home!”:
Against: “Finally! Geez. I’m dying here.”
Away: (delayed reaction) “In here. I’m busy.”
Toward: “So glad! How was your day?”
Spouse suggests doing something together:
Against: “Are you kidding?”
Away: “Ah…hmmm. How about [new idea] instead?”
Toward: “Sounds great. What do you want to do?”
Spouse asks you for a favor:
Against: “Do it yourself.”
Away: “I’ll try.” (And you forget.)
Toward: “You bet. Is this afternoon okay?” (And you do it.)
Spouse says he’s/she’s worried:
Against: “You never ask if I’m worried and I’ve got lots more to worry about than you.”
Away: “Tell me later.”
Toward: “What is it, baby?”
Spouse comments on something on TV while you’re on the computer:
Against: “Can’t you see I’m working here?”
Away: Grunt.
Toward: (looks up) “Interesting. Why do you say that?”
Spouse finishes a fix-it job you asked for:
Against: “I hope you didn’t make it worse again.”
Away: “Finally.”
Toward: “Fantastic, honey! How did you do it?”
Spouse wants to be physically intimate:
Against: “No way.”
Away: “We’ll see. Maybe tomorrow.”
Toward: [Fill in the blank.]
I know from my own observation and experience that these minor responses and their major consequences are real: the claim that “turning toward” can transform or elongate your relationship is not overstated. In his landmark study of newlyweds, Dr. Gottman’s researchers found that those who divorced within six years after the wedding had, as newlyweds in the lab, turned toward their partners 33 percent of the time; the couples who were still married six years later had turned toward their partners 86 percent of the time. The couples who remained married had responded positively, even to trivial requests, satisfying each other over and over with, “Yes! I am here for you.” (The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples, p. 199).
Yes! He is “here for me.” I will never forget the flood of affirmation and security I felt last night when my Honey focused solely on me for fifteen minutes, standing when he’d rather be sitting, undressed when he’d rather be dressed, looking animated when he just wanted to close his eyes and sleep. I’m still lit up inside.
Now it’s my turn.
I hereby resolve this year to
LOVE MY NICE GUY BETTER.
Like the star on the Christmas tree I just took down, he’s got to be at the top…
…and know it.
WATCH THIS POST ON YouTube: The Most Effective Tool to Transform Your Marriage
I love this action! Turning toward seems rather straight forward and to the point. I can do it in 2016! What a difference it makes having a wonderful conversation with eye contact- the gush of love felt when Mr Lover “denies” a phone call during our conversation and focuses directly on me. I would love for him to feel that too, for sure!
Thank you Ramona. I need these constant reminders to turn from my selfishness….and remember each time I turn toward, will eventually come back as a blessing of him starting to turn toward. When we both selfishly wait for the other to take the first step…we could be waiting for a long time instead of esteeming the other better than ourself!! Just love all your encouragement!
Meg, that’s a difficult concept to accept, let alone have faith in, but if we can muster just a mustard seed of the kind of visionary love that is required to “turn toward” our spouse, our “faith” most often WILL be rewarded!
Yes. Turning towards your spouse makes them feel secure in your marriage.
I love this concept of turn toward. Perfect for the New year and easy as pie, right? Hmmm. Well, yes…. After pie is mastered, that is. But hey, this concept is so much simpler than making a pie. It just has one simple ingredient of “turn toward.” And if it comes out wrong, you can start from scratch and do it again using that simple two worded concept. I bet it can be quite satisfying to enjoy the fruits of those labors. Mmmm. Pie. I’m hungry for pie now. 😉 And I just cannot resist. I just HAVE to take the analogy all the way for you. I must state the obvious (just in case it really isn’t): Are we hungry for a more sweet tasting relationship too? But I digress. Back to the New Year.
I have noticed a shift in how intentional, meaningful people are approaching New Year’s resolution’s. I’ve seen it on blogs and on social media. I’ve seen it in families who are striving for better things. People in general are catching on to the fact that lasting change isn’t made in big bangs or big efforts. It is in the simple, deliberate things. This is a positive cultural switch away from those resolutions we have traditionally attempted to make alongside that exuberant energy-filled bang that ushers in a fresh New Year. Efforts that all too often, fizzle and die out… quite pathetically and embarrassingly. But why? These resolutions were really not all that bad. No! On the contrary. I think the key lies in that fact that they worked just fine when life was simpler. We no longer live in an era of simplicity. Instead, it is a modern, technologically advanced, affluent era. One that can be very busy, complicated, and chock full of to-do lists. Which just might mean that we’ve actually been doing all year long what we think is new and fresh with our lists of New Year’s Resolutions. So, this simple theme-trend it more toward finding balance and redefining how we humans live (to thrive) in this new era. So picking a single theme or word focus in place of traditionally used resolutions, has been a good attempt to swing back the pendulum to simple and restful in our busy lives. This one-word theme is very similar to an seemingly insignificant trickle of water in the Grand Canyon of our lives. Over time, with tiny, daily and hourly focus, an affect will build. A powerful affect. A much needed simple affect. And it can be accomplished by something as tiny and continuously flowing as “turn toward.” I am glad that in Dr. Gottman’s research, he and his team have pin-pointed a much needed and easy concept. It can powerfully and artfully carve beauty into relationships. And that beauty affects and enhances all that surrounds it.
Cheers to a New Year and simplicity in goal setting! And to pies! And to the Grand Canyon of our lives! Where we can make those giant and simple changes through the littlest of little, itty-bitty efforts.
I love knowing that this one simple concept can create such huge dividends in a relationship. I now find myself often thinking of ways I can make turning toward come more naturally – and when I do, the rewards are sweet! Thank you, Ramona!
I am guilty of only slightly turning – using my busyness as an excuse. I know my honey just wants my attention, affirmation, love. I will turn towards him more often this year and watch a change in his attitude and willingness. I’ve seen it before. Now to just continue tending that garden. Thank you for the reminder.
Heather, tending a garden is an brilliant metaphor! That’s exactly what relationships require: TENDING!
Good thought but hard to always do.
Clara, humanity and relationships in general are anything but easy or consistent! As Dr. Gottman’s research shows, those who were most successful were turning towards their partners 80+% of the time…which means they didn’t, for whatever reason, the other 20 or so percent. However, I can testify, that the more consistent and intentional you are about this, the more natural this way of interrelating becomes: I hardly think about it anymore honestly. So no matter how hard it is, especially at first, as the findings show (and common sense tells us), it is WORTH the effort!
I happened to read this post today, on the first day of this New Year. I know I would appreciate such a response from my husband of 23 years, so I will do this myself. At least once a day until it becomes habit. And I’ll make the effort for my 5 children too. I could only improve things in my home, yes? Thank you, Ramona!
YES, Mary, you can — at ANY point in a relationship, whether new or mature. I’ve watched it work miracles in the most seasoned or troubled marriage!
I think I need to reread your book! My word to focus on this year is treasure. Treasure myself, my husband and kids. Each moment and whatever God gives us. Turning towards is perfect for treasuring. Thank you ?
Kerryn, you’re right! We obviously spend our time and energy and enthusiasm on what we treasure MOST. Turning towards is such a tiny thing that really takes so little of our time and energy and enthusiasm, yet conveys to our loved one: I “treasure” you!
This is a great reminder! We all know this concept of “turning towards” even though we may not have heard it in those terms before. Our husbands need to feel appreciated as much as we need to feel loved. “Turning towards” them shows that they natter, that we appreciate them, and that their ideas are heard. I know, and it’s very obvious, when my husband feels “neglected” or under appreciated. His mood changes dramatically and I used to think “what is wrong with him!? Why does he have to be so grumpy!” But now, after attending Wife for Life University, I know when he’s acting like that, to step back and look at MY life. What is going on right now that is taking my attention away from him? Am I so busy at work that I come home tired and don’t want to hear what he has to say or am I so focused on an upcoming activity I’m planning or are my church responsibilities overwhelming me? Almost inevitably, one of those things are the culprit of him either withdrawing from me or his getting angry for “no apparent” reason! Now as we begin 2018, I get to remember this and “turn towards” my guy! ?
YES Sheri! If there is ANYthing you must remember from all your studies it is THIS. Well said! I am very proud of you and your progress my friend!!!!
Wow! What a great thought! Turning towards. I have realized more lately how easy it is to be distracted and not stop and turn towards my husband, kids, whoever. Thank you for the reminder to stop and turn towards those who are most important!
Beautiful Rosana. And I like that you said “Stop” and turn toward. It does take a willingness to spin of a dime!
I am so glad I’m learning from you Ramona (and Dr. Gottman). I can definitely work on this, especially now that it has been identified and labeled. These examples definitely help, too. I will start today to be more aware of how I react.
Wonderful Julie! I like your determination to start TODAY. Why not????????? It’s SO simple, isn’t it? And I’m glad the examples helped! Thanks for saying so. 🙂
What a wonderful reminder of the way we should approach ALL our loved ones… turning TOWARD them in our hearts and in our actions. I appreciate this reminder as I start the new year. Perhaps my word for the year will be “Toward.” And it goes for my relationship with God, too!
Oh Lyn. How true how true. I love the idea of setting the word “TOWARD” as a theme for all your relationships this year!
We will be taking the Christmas decorations down today. A perfect time to practice turning toward bc we are so different in projects like this…I am “on task” and he is taking his time and enjoying the moment. I will try to enjoy at least some of the moments with him as a start instead of trying to keep him “focused” on the “task”.
Woohoo Tara! Turning toward means nothing if we don’t appreciate and accept our differences. Well said! Good luck with the decorations!
Thank you for the reminder of one of the most important goals I can work in this year! This will be my marriage relationship goal for 2018!!
In thinking about specific ways I can implement this, I will make a conscious effort to turn toward him when he first walks in the door at night.
Also, to turn toward him when I’m with him in the car. With a crazy busy life, I tend to use that as time to communicate/coordinate on my phone. He has mentioned before how he we need to put away our devices when we are with each other. He wants it as much as I do!
Here’s to a great year of a small change that will yield big results.
Yes, yes Carol! A “small change that will yield big results”! Well said. And I love your example of “car time” together. So wise to grab every opportunity like that. Sometimes our husbands are more in tune with our relationship than we are (if we’ll just observe or listen! 🙂
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This is great advice and something that seems simple yet so valuable. I’m going to be more intentionable about turning toward my guy and see if it impacts him when he withdraws or is in a sour mood. Sometimes we take each other for granted and then wonder why intimacy is lacking- this makes so much sense. Thank- you!
Cher, there is A LOT that goes into explaining the disconnect in our marriage, but turning toward is an incredibly helpful tactic in at least warming things up to the point that we can talk about it. AND AND AND if you will remember to turn toward consistently (whatever his mood), you’ll find that there will be far less episodes of withdrawal or sourness overall.
Wow, did i need to hear this! With 5 kids ages 7 and under, i am definitely “away” more often than “turning towards” when my husband needs to know i’m there for him. Thank you for helping me open my eyes to this small but crucial change i need to make! He’s a keeper and i want him to feel it, and know it!
It works with the kids too, Emily! 🙂 It is a crucial change, but a simple one — teeny tiny moments, teeny tiny choices. Let me know how you feel and see a difference with more intentional “turning towards”!
Oh, so beautiful, Ramona, and so true! I especially loved your ending: “Like the star on the Christmas tree…he’s got to be at the top – and know it.” That one thing blesses my relationship with my husband more than anything else – and I need to remind myself of it often!
So glad Roslyn! You’re my hero! xo
I love this beautiful reminder not to take my spouse for granted. In the past, I failed to recognize my spouse “Turning toward” me. My past complaint was that he didn’t take time to listen but many times it was me who didn’t look up to see that he actually was listening with a loving ear.
I am in the middle of your book and really being present to everything you talk about and working it into my daily life. This is definitely something I will take on in 2018. We are at the wrong end of the unity chart you show in your video right now and I have resolved to turn things around (or inward as you have it on the unity chart) and I love this idea. Its so simple and you know what? I do want to hear what he has to say, and I am excited when he gets home and I love when does stuff around the house so this easy!!! Thank you!
Oh Devon! You have NO IDEA how happy this makes me!!!!!
I love this idea of turning toward our spouse instead of away. It really put into perspective how easily I can hear what my husband is saying but I’m not really listen to what he is saying. This is one thing I am going to work on this year, really listen and not just hear what my husband (and I’m going to add my kids to this goal) is saying when he is talking to me.
You’re so right, Anne-Marie. Turning toward is a “lighting up” inside, a turning on of enthusiastic energy towards our loved one, which, maybe most of all, includes REALLY listening!
As my husband and I talked about our goals for this year I was struggling to define a goal to strengthen our marriage. I love the simpleness of turning toward. I hope to incorporate this into my relationships with my sweetheart, my children, and God. So often turning toward one another means removing the walls of vulnerability and not only seeing each other as we truly are, but accepting one another as we truly are and becoming a helpmeet to each other! Love this idea. Thank you Ramona!
I so agree Katrina! It’s the simpleness of the idea that makes it so wonderful!
I have always loved this topic of “turning toward” your spouse since reading your book. I have applied it a many times and I have seen the absolute joy that comes from my husband’s face when I have turned towards him. It makes him so happy and it truly does strengthen our bond together, each and every day. And the funny thing is– usually when I turn towards him on some things that I feel like I don’t have enough time or the energy to do– it usually turns out to be something I needed as well in the end! So I have learned more and more through experience to “turn toward” my spouse all the time. It makes us so much happier in the end!
I love this!! Will start trying this
Great Madilynn! And don’t give up on your loved one or yourself too soon. Consistency (as much as possible) over the long haul produces the best fruit.
I loved reading this and I need to read this every day as a reminder. Reading this I recalled the past 5 years of turning away from my husband, Since I’ve learned about this principle of turning towards I can’t believe the difference it makes in our relationship. It’s so simple such small things that make a huge difference. One example that comes to mind is last night while sitting on the couch with my husband I could feel myself turning away and becoming depressa if you will and I remembered this principle of turning towards and I had to make a choice to stay in my current state or choose to turn towards him and I found something that my husband did for me that day(the dishes) and I went up to him and kissed him on the cheek and told him how grateful I was that he did the dishes for me and how much it meant to me. He got the biggest grin on his face and I felt gratitude and love for him. It changed the course of the evening for me. Instead of being alone in my room that night I was spending time with my husband 🙂
This is so true. Having your spouse turn toward you and give undivided attention is one of the best gifts you can receive. Thanks for the reminder.
It IS a gift of LOVE, isn’t it, Angela. We may love, but it means little without showing it, and this is the simplest way to do that for any age, gender, or personality.
I needed to hear exactly this. I’m going to take the same vow this year. Thank you.
Wow! Let’s hear it for “the vow”! Go for it Emma and let me know the results.
I love this! It has me wondering how many times I turn towards my husband. I want to try and increase that number.
That’s the goal! Let me know what differences you feel and see for the better!
Something so “simple” and yet so profound. These are the things that are easiest to forget over time as we get used to each other, used to living together, used to our ruts. What a glorious reminder of something that we can fix just by thinking before we act and thinking of them first.
I have been turning towards my husband from the start. I am his third wife, and he said that with the first two, he felt like all he was to them was Mr. Money bags, never listening to him, to his needs.. When I first moved in with him, he began talking, and it was like a dam breaking. He spent the next 3 days talking to me, telling me his personal history, talking about the things he liked to do, his goals for the future, and other things. We have a happy marriage, and a LOT of it consists of him talking to me about things, and me listening. Once in awhile, he says something and I didn’t hear because I was running the mixer or something, or I am absorbed in something, and whenever that happens, I stop what I am doing and ask him to repeat himself. He was nearly deaf when we married, even worse now, so I sometimes resort to a small whiteboard to tell him about or explain things. He cannot hear his own voice, but he still talks perfectly. We understand and love each other, and we know that we are first with each other. He is a fine stepdad, too.
Wow Cynthia. What a beautiful, concrete example of the power of turning toward! Thank you! Bless you.
This is the key, so powerful, so important. I think that a marriage without this will not be fulfilling, warm, welcoming, etc. A marriage with it is the most powerful and blessed, where both parties feel loved and heard and safe and values. In my marriage, we could both do so much better at this I love this article and principle. Would love to attend the class!!!
Dear Robyn, there is ALWAYS room for improvement, isn’t there? But something tells me that you are actually quite skilled at “turning toward” based on your testimonial of it! And we would LOVE to have you in class again!
I love this concept! I have tried to explain this to my husband before and here it is beautifully illustrated.
Read the article with him Melanie! Hopefully you can have a good conversation about it and be more intentional about “turning towards” one another.