So…now we may know why certain men don’t call certain women back for a second date, or at least we can take a stab at it (losers and destiny aside). In her book, Have Him at Hello, Rachel Greenwald details her research into why many men are turned off by certain women. The answers come from men – thousands of them.
And guess what? The bottom line is not your bottom.
According to Ms. Greenwald’s findings, “date-breakers” come from unflattering female stereotypes—at least ten of them. But the top-top-tippy-top-over-the-top-Number-One stereotype that worries most Nice Guys in personal (not professional) relationships is…(drumroll)….
“THE BOSS LADY”
(aka in Wife for Life: “Stupida” & “Irreleva”)
You know her (because you’ve probably been her at some point): Ms. Controlling (wait, you mean confident?), Aggressive (isn’t that, assertive?), Argumentative (but she’s got opinions!), Competitive (what’s wrong with that?).
What all these delightful ladies appear to have in common is their tendency (at least from the guy’s point of view) to not remember or respect his half of the equation. It’s a tough and familiar place to be in these days…whether you’re dating – OR MARRIED.
During my own research before writing Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage I found that this one characteristic not only scared potential boyfriends, but husbands as well.
Too many researchers in both the hard and soft sciences back up Rachel’s conclusion to brush it off as archaic. And the eggheads ain’t the only ones who say it’s so: in my experience, most men will tell you they “prefer” (read crave) being treated respectfully, even gently, by their wife. They long for a powerful partner, but one who is their intimate and inspiration, not one who overrides or runs them off the road at every turn.
A 31-year-old single guy told Ms. Greenwald: “I get enough aggression at work all day. When I come home, I want to be with someone softer, more nurturing.” (Jacob, New York, NY).
Another (ex-husband) told me: “I should have married one of those really kind, nurturing type women I dated in college instead of a bosser.”
Knowing him for five minutes, or fifteen days, or fifty-five years floats the same boat. If you don’t want him to paddle off into the sunset without you, best stop bossing him around. When we morph into our Crazy Lady persona (a whole chapter or two in Wife for Life), no one would call us “soft”, “kind”, or “nurturing”; especially our husband. Boss Lady/Tough Mama/Ms SchoolMarm might get the job done, but she cools, instead of warms, the heart.
As Big Sister to four little brothers, I myself am naturally bossy. It took years to tame my inner Boss Lady at home, but…I’d rather have his heart than his obedience or acquiescence, wouldn’t you?
Just sayin’!
Great post! Thanks Mona.
As always, Ramona is spot on. The world teaches women to be confident, assertive and decisive and in many cases these are great leadership qualities if kept in check. However in our marriages a softer,and kinder woman tends to be successful. Thanks for he important reminder.
I love you Allison, but I have to disagree slightly. I believe women SHOULD absolutely be confident, assertive, and decisive. I’m pretty sure I’d be described that way by just about anyone who really knows me. 🙂 But HOW to be confident, assertive, and decisive WHILE BEING KIND AND RESPECTFUL is the trick. Since so many comments here reflect that misconception, I’m going to address it VERY soon. Thank you for prompting me in that direction! xo
Thank you! I need this reminder for my marriage and also my relationships with my children. I want them to know me as nurturing and loving, not controlling. My husband loves that I read your wonderful ideas, so we both thank you!
Thanks Ramona! Great insights, as always.
Great reminder. I think when I get busy (as is often the case) I totally fall into bossy patterns, just in a desperate attempt to make things happen that need to happen. Patience is not my strong suit. And definitely so true.
Another great helpful article to behave true to what we really want in the big picture so our actions reflect our best self in the small, yet very significant details. Thanks Ramona!
I have such mixed feelings here. I love the message that I need self-awareness and control over my part in the marriage equation. There’s validity and truth to that. But temperance is a fine line. As a parent, it hurts my heart that the adult world sends my children messages that they could be “too much” just as they are. Tamping down bad habits is important. Respect is definitely important. Yet I still think my unique and strong personality is a gift, and is part of why my equally strong husband chose me as his partner.
Oh LA! There’s no “tamping down” a “strong” personality! Nor should there be! I’m sure mine is off the Richter Scale! But how one expresses that personality is the key. We all have to live with others — every human being. And the ones that we live with and love the most should be blessed by our strong personality, not hurt by it. There’s a BIG difference between expressing needs and opinions etc with respect and expressing them with an intimidating, or condescending bullhorn style. Respect comes from the position that we are equals with our husband. We expect that our choices and positions are treated as equally valid. So too, we treat him with the same deference. The Language of Respect (a Wife for Life skillset) is key. I hope you will read Wife for Life to learn it. 🙂
Very well said Ramona❤️
I wish the parenting sites would elaborate like you just did. A lot that I read just tell parents to not even use the word bossy around your little girl. It has become the “B word.”
Yikes. Thanks for the insight.
Good reminders. Thank you!
Thank you….I need to read this reminder everyday!
Thanks for such great insight into this! <3
This is so true! Thanks for the reminder to be respectful and gentle. I definitely need it!
Even if I’m not verbally bossing, my body language and my facial expressions can put him off and sometimes when I just ask a question, he thinks I am instructing him. Boy! This is hard sometimes. Better to be soft and mind my thoughts because what’s inside usually ends up telling the story all over my face.
Ah Kerri! That’s advanced stuff! You are absolutely right. It starts in the heart! If our husband can’t “read” our facial expression and REAL intent, who can?
Body language is the giveaway. What a great reminder when I am trying to make changes away from Boss Lady!
This is helpful, thanks!
I love to hear the research backs up my experience. When I catch myself using my “mom voice” with my husband I know I’m headed in the wrong direction. I’m also finding my teenage sons don’t react well to that crazy lady either. Thanks for sharing your work!
Thanks for the reminder. It’s easy to let the everyday things in life get in the way and to slide back into Crazy Lady mode. We remember when our spouses are ill or need the extra attention, but when life is “back to normal” we slide back into old habits. I too am naturally a bossy person. It takes work and conscious effort to temper those tendencies. This was a great reminder
My pleasure (and my work!), Caludette! xo
Oh, Ramona!! This is what I needed to be reminded of today. In an effort to get “everything” done I can lose that gentleness. Love everything you write and share. Thank you for inspiring me! I can’t wait to see what you have in the works! ?
Thank you Jenn! You inspire ME!
Gee whiz! What a wake up call! I maybe realized this before about myself after listening to your book but I’ve since forgotten! Your email today brought it home for me and also in relation to my daughter as well! Sometimes I can be a real bear, ‘stupidia’ and ‘irreleva’, instead of the nurturing, loving, soft but firm mama. Thank you for the extra nudge from behind. Lol
Haha, Marjo! I think of myself as a support, but in this case, I’m a proder perhaps? Whatever it takes! xo
This is so so true!
I’m the oldest of five (3 sisters and a brother) and being bossy is in my blood. After 7 years of marriage I’m still fighting with this tendency to rule over my husband. I can see that things work much better between US when I’m soft and kind, while still being strong. I believe this IS indeed our strenght, this nurturing feminine touch.
Being the oldest, Kat, is great in so many ways – serves us well in a variety of settings and roles. But man!it IS a hard lesson to learn that the same Big Sister tactics only HURT our marriage. I hope you’ve read Wife for Life! xo
Can’t agree more. I’ve experienced (in the hardest way) that RESPECT is what my guy needs most and if I pass that line, it’s ugly and he gets very hurt. Love you Ramona for your beautiful post!
You are SO welcome dear Farinaz. xo
This was very thought provoking. I feel like I get mixed signals from my husband in this area. I think he gets annoyed that I am not more assertive. Lol. I guess he just wants me to be more assertive with my kids. Lol. He has also “pushed back” at times to the point that I stick up for my position, rather than backing down and “silent treating” him for not just giving me my way. He seems to want me to own my opinions and give evidence that something really matters to me.
Just goes to show, men don’t want a bossy, or a wimpy, wife! Thanks for the opportunity to reflect.
Melissa, in my experience, it’s ALL in how your “assert” your position! The Language of Respect is key. Subject for another post I think!
These are wise words! Thank you!
Thank you for this much needed timely reminder! My crazy lady, bossy mama came out last night and no wonder my husband seemed a bit off….it wasn’t him, it was me to blame for just trying to get stuff done….so glad for the reminder I’d rather have his heart! I missed him last night!
Ohhhhh Emily. Yeeesssss. “I missed him last night!” The exact thing we want, we sabotage by our own behavior. Next time! xo
I needed this! It’s hard sometimes to get out of “Mother Knows Best” mode when my husband is in the picture after a long day of being with kids. I know it’s worth the effort so I appreciate the reminder!
Ha ha Hannah! “Mother Knows Best” — that sums it up beautifully! We do have a hard time switching gears!
This is such a good reminder to act in a way that warms instead of cools. I have been realizing that no one responds to bossiness in their heart.
Wonderful insight and so true! Thank you for the reminder! Sometimes I think we, as women, inadvertently come across as bossy or controlling without realizing how deeply it affects him. Sadly, in my case, it was a lesson learned the hard way. I appreciate your inspiring and insightful messages, Ramona. Thank you!
So true DeRae: we don’t realize how humiliating it is to our man. xo
Good reminder. Thanks.
Thank you for your timely reminder, dearest Ramona, to kick my evil twin, Irreleva, to the curb yet again!
There are many circumstances in my life right now that are tutoring me in being more respectful to the men around me. I tend to be very strong-willed (uh, bossy) and struggle with the erroneous idea that my way is always best! I love it that you’re making me mindful AGAIN about the need to allow my softer side to subdue my Crazy Lady tendencies.
I miss you all at W4L so much!
XO-Em
Miss YOU Emily! Keep the faith! (and the Crazy Ladies at bay!)
I really need that reminder every day to be honest. I am glad that I opened this particular email from you. Thank you.
Me too Zu! We ALL need this reminder!
This is great. I need to check myself on this!! I can definitely be bossy/naggy to my husband and my children and it has caused a lot of tension and power struggles! This was a wonderful reminder for me.
It is true. Whenever my husband sees another woman who is bossy, (or assertive 😉 ) he always makes a negative comment about her. I don’t think men appreciate it. Some men put up with it, but they don’t like it.
ha!
I remember a few weeks ago he was downstairs and I was “getting things done” upstairs, aka, getting the kids ready for bed, baths, teeth brushed, etc. etc. I was so mad when he thought I needed to relax. Sigh. I WAS the relaxed general that night. I couldn’t understand why he would say that.
HAHAHA. Now I do. Thanks!!
🙂 “Relax” = “Lighten up, honey!”
I have the opposite problem! I am very uncomfortable telling my husband what to do yet he comes from a household with one of those stereotypical women so he is struggles with anything but bossy.
Amy, I think a better way to describe it in your situation may be that he appreciates you being “decisive”. No man REALLY likes “bossy”, tho a guy who’s been subject to “bossy” for a long time just begins to accept the futility of it being any other way. He stops trying to assert himself and gives the impression that he “wants” her to take control (but again, just because he knows what will happen if he does assert himself). As I’ve been telling others here, and as I teach my students, it is ALL in the language (of respect, a skillset that we learn in Wife for Life) and in the tone of voice and your facial expression. You can be decisive for sure, but how you express it can still be quite kind and deferential.
I can totally relate to this. I loved the humorous way you helped
Us to look at ourselves. Thanks for sharing. I need to find a way to step into my feminine energy!
I think my bossy side comes out more when I am feeling more anxious.
Ashley, there is NO question that’s the case! That’s why you need your “delights”! I hope you’ve read Wife for Life! 🙂
This is a crazy lady I know well, and one that not only hurts my marriage but other relationships as well. It’s a delicate balancing act, to stay true to my natural self and do so in a way that is sensitive and respectful… always a challenge.
Ramona, thank you for giving the quotes from the men! I finally got it when one man said that he already gets the aggressive at work. So does my husband. It makes me want to find that gentle, kind, joyful, forgiving, appreciative, respect voice in me so he can be built up and nurtured when he comes home! I can monitor my heart and see if it is feeling “warm.”
I have let it get cold, not done “delights,” not taken responsibility over my emotions. So, yes, in that needy state, I have not seen what I could give him!
I must get warm so I can radiate that from my heart to him.
Great call to action!
Great reminder that, while assertiveness and confidence in occupation or public can be great assets, it is the patient, nurturing displays in our own home that creates lasting love with our husbands.
Exactly Christine. 🙂
Christine,
I’m thinking I should have answered you differently. Assertiveness and confidence are GOOD — even at home and even in our marriages. What works against us is disrespect and unkindness and gruffness and impatience and these do NOT necessarily go hand in hand with assertiveness and confidence. I’m going to do another treatment of this subject very soon and teach the skills needed. 🙂
Thank you for your insights Agnes your emails. My marriage had changed since I found you.
So glad Joyce. Thank you for telling me that. xo
I heard recently that people are like sponges, you can get them to conform to a certain shape when you are trying to control them, but they will pop back to the original shape when you let go. This imagery has helped me realize that the buzz that you get from having someone obey your bossiness is not true change and can damage your relationship. I have also noticed for many years that if I try to soften my heart from the inside, especially when I am communicating one-on-one with my husband, he immediately responds. I don’t think he is even aware of it, but I can tell he responds to that kind nurturer.
Sponges? Brilliant Kali!
Great message. Thanks!
loved this. and its so timely!
tomorrow i am leaving my husband in charge of the house and kids for two days while i go out of town with family- and i have been debating on whether or not to give him a long list of all the stuff i want him to do as well as a schedule while i am gone.
but after reading this i think i just might scrap the list and be happy with whatever he comes up with.
my crazy lady that seems to be really annoying him right now is a dramatic, depressing one. i am telling you that our marriage would absolutely not be surviving right now if it wasn’t for wife for life. it saves me on a daily basis.
just last night, in fact, i was laying in bed wishing he was beside me while he was typing away on the computer in another room. i called him on the phone, so i wouldn’t have to leave my cozy sheets, and i said, “why aren’t you coming to bed?” he replied with a ‘duh’ tone and said, “i’m trying to solve a problem with excel”. and i knew he was on the line. i accepted his need to fix it and went to bed knowing that he was being a man, not a horrible husband. its little stuff like that- every day- that helps me. wife for life has given me the understanding and insight into myself and my darling husband in order to be happy myself, as well as embrace him.
THANK YOU.
xo
LOVE YOU Holly. Well done.
I stand convicted… and had I received it from anyone else, I don’t think it would have registered. I know what a tender heart you have for marriage, Ramona, so what you say rings loud and true. Thank you for your ministry and investment!
That means a lot, Suzanna! Thanks for taking the time to say so. xo
Hmm, you just woke me up some more. My husband always makes a comment when I’m being a sergeant to the kids or even him. Thanks for the eye opener.
This was really painful to read as it hits home. My Boss Lady doesn’t want to be soft when she feels like that is an old 50s stereotype. I understand the other side of it but it is SO hard to give up and give in.
Woah! When did respect become “a 50’s” thing? I’m sure you’d agree that respect, consideration, and kindness are timeless. And equality (the heart of respect) is forever “self-evident” is it not? I highly recommend reading my book, Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage to see how timeless principles apply to the MODERN marriage. (There is NO need to “give up and give in”!)
Thanks Ramona for this great reminder to be kinder and more nurturing. I find that my husband appreciates a gentle asker more than a bossy me. Your emails help me keep it together!
“KEEP IT TOGETHER!” Great mantra to ward off the Crazy Ladies, Coleen!
I find this so unbelievably hard. I have a assertive, go getter attitude which comes across as controlling. I feel like nothing would ever happen unless I “push” a little. (Sigh) It is hard not to feel irritation.
Join the club Christa! Spoken like a true bosser. I’m right there with you. All I know is that it’s been WELL worth the effort to try seeing things from his and my children’s perspective. And I’ve been pleasantly surprised over the years at their pleasant response! They get more done and do it better when I treat them intelligently and respectfully and patiently. This doesn’t mean that I don’t state my needs or expectations clearly. I do, using the W4L Language of Respect (see my book, Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage). It. Works. ?
I heard an interview on the NPR show Fresh Air today with actor Nick Offerman. During the interview, he shared that when he met his wife, Megan Mullally, his life changed. He said he did better in auditions, because he knew that no matter the outcome, he would be going home to kisses.
Thank you, Ramona, for teaching us how important we are to our husbands.
Thank you for this reminder!
Honestly, I am still trying to understand the crazy ladies and which ones I struggle with. I get it and I don’t. I think these crazy ladies have been apart of my personality and I look forward to kicking them out one by one. Thank you for the gentle reminder to treat my husband with love and respect. Look forward to learning more…….
Thank you for sharing this great reminder Romona! It be so easy for me to let this crazy lady run the show and without even realizing it. Between a mothering intuition that can too quickly turn into a control freak and/or the pressure from today’s society for women to be independent and strong, it is not an easy thing to be soft and loving.
I love your mentor posts and your book, Ramona. Thank you for these great analogies and drops of wisdom! I’m working on attention, affection and admiration right now. I tend towards depressa/irreleva. My man tends to be bossy.
Kate, living with a “bossy” man is another whole skill set I’d love to teach you!! Thank you for your kind words — I love that you’re using W4L lingo!
My husband often calls me “the teacher” (although I think a good teacher is firm and kind and not bossy) so this hit home.
Thanks for the research info. This is a good reminder!
The comment from the man saying he “should have married one of those really kind…women” makes me laugh. I am kind and such, most the time, and especially with strangers. It’s at certain times and with those I’m closest to that the crazy ladies come out and the Boss Lady. So he might have been in the same boat anyway. 🙂
I’d have to agree with that, Julie! ?
I want to be sweet and kind! We have 6 week old twins and that means no time for mom to get anything done. I feel like all I do is nurse babies all day. How can I ask for help around the house without seeming like a boss lady?
Alyssa, there IS a way!!! It’s one key ingredient in the Wife for Life approach to modern marriage. Its in my book, Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage. I also have a 4 hour video course, The Helpful Husband, available on this website. You definitely need major help right now! Wish I could do dishes and laundry for you!
I absolutely love this, Ramona! I feel like this can be me so many times. It was great to have a reminder to not always look at it as getting things done– but as loving those to a higher standard!
I love how it is not about being a strong personality or not but really about respect! Thank you!
Yay Gina! You get it!
You know it’s funny I got this email because my hubby was talking about this very thing just the other day. I am a stay at home mom, homeschool my 2 kids, substitute teach a few days per week, and I’m working on getting a online teaching job. I have a lot of pressure, and being raised in a home where daddy was sent away and mom had to be both parents I tend to be quite bossy at times, just like my mom was to us. You know we were made to work well with our husbands, to be his intimate partner, and helpmate. How can we have good marriages if we are always barking orders at him or even the kids for that matter. Thanks so much for reminding me again, that my loving and nurturing side needs to be ever present in the everyday, not just occassionally.
Beautifully said, Kathryn.
The more I think about this, the more valid it seems to me. No one wants to be overridden or micromanaged all the time. Personally, I hate it! Why would my husband be any different? I have a feeling that I slip into this mindset almost constantly because I’m such a “doer” at work. I forget to slip off the work shoes when I get home. I need to slide into some comfy slippers and just let go for a little while. Any tips on how to do that – and how to catch yourself before you use the work shoes to boot yourself to the curb? 🙂
Jenn! I love your writing: great expression of the challenge a lot of us have—switching gears between work and home. You ask for tips on how to manage that challenge. This may not be what you were hoping for, but honestly, it’s the only real answer…tips won’t generate any meaningful, lasting change. I recommend a whole new perspective, mindset, and approach to your relationship. That’s what Wife for Life is all about and my book is the best place to start. I promise (read the reviews), we will be having a whole different conversation once you’ve read it. I’d love to do that and to work with you!
I’ve been bossy my whole life! How to stop it?! I don’t like that about myself, but it’s like I can’t turn it off :'( Longtime habits are hard to break.
Kate, it’s a whole skill set that I call “Teaching a Knight to Knit” in Wife for Life: the language of respect. It’s in my book, of course, as well as Wife for Life University, and another 4-hour course called The Helpful Husband. However, I’m going to podcast about it as soon as I possibly can since so many are asking the same question as you have. Thank you for encouraging me to do it!
I’m not a naturally bossy person, but I’m also a fairly reserved person across the board in expressing myself. I feel the desire to show more affection and nurturing in many of my interactions with my husband… It’s just hard because I feel so unnatural and awkward, especially because I was raised by a quite reserved, though loving, mother.
Leslie, that is such a great question…I hope you’ve read or are reading Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage. In it, I detail the very ideas and approach you need to more easily and naturally express yourself in a way that will warm your relationship with your husband and create greater intimacy. I encourage you too to tap into all my resources here, and blog posts. You can also look forward to a new podcast and opportunity I’m creating right now that, I think, is exactly what can help you most. Watch for an announcement mid-summer!
Ramona,
This is a great insight. I have definitely read the articles that say we should not call our daughters “bossy” and that we should encourage their take-charge attitudes. But you have really helped me to understand that bossing and assertive communication are very different. I don’t like it when my husband bosses me, so why should I expect him to feel differently?
I do notice that I am more curt, short-tempered, and bossy when I am stressed or tired.
I would love more instruction on how to be assertive in a kind and respectful way. Thank you for considering and pondering sharing clarifications on how to express ourselves lovingly in our own awesome personalities. We don’t like to be bossed around and neither do they.
I’m looking forward to learning more from Ramona about how to be a better wife! I wish I would have had this single bit of information years ago. I definitely have a tendency to be a boss lady, and it has not served our marriage well. But onward and upward! Thanks for your amazing insights!
So easy to become the “boss lady” when towards the end of the day getting dinner done and then kids to bed. What a good reminder to soften up a bit more for everyones sake.
I really appreciated this post. More than anything I have read previously, it made me want to read your book.
So glad Rebekah!