So…now we may know why certain men don’t call certain women back for a second date, or at least we can take a stab at it (losers and destiny aside). In her book, Have Him at Hello, Rachel Greenwald details her research into why many men are turned off by certain women. The answers come from men – thousands of them.
And guess what? The bottom line is not your bottom.
According to Ms. Greenwald’s findings, “date-breakers” come from unflattering female stereotypes—at least ten of them. But the top-top-tippy-top-over-the-top-Number-One stereotype that worries most Nice Guys in personal (not professional) relationships is…(drumroll)….
“THE BOSS LADY”
(aka in Wife for Life: “Stupida” & “Irreleva”)
You know her (because you’ve probably been her at some point): Ms. Controlling (wait, you mean confident?), Aggressive (isn’t that, assertive?), Argumentative (but she’s got opinions!), Competitive (what’s wrong with that?).
What all these delightful ladies appear to have in common is their tendency (at least from the guy’s point of view) to not remember or respect his half of the equation. It’s a tough and familiar place to be in these days…whether you’re dating – OR MARRIED.
During my own research before writing Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage I found that this one characteristic not only scared potential boyfriends, but husbands as well.
Too many researchers in both the hard and soft sciences back up Rachel’s conclusion to brush it off as archaic. And the eggheads ain’t the only ones who say it’s so: in my experience, most men will tell you they “prefer” (read crave) being treated respectfully, even gently, by their wife. They long for a powerful partner, but one who is their intimate and inspiration, not one who overrides or runs them off the road at every turn.
A 31-year-old single guy told Ms. Greenwald: “I get enough aggression at work all day. When I come home, I want to be with someone softer, more nurturing.” (Jacob, New York, NY).
Another (ex-husband) told me: “I should have married one of those really kind, nurturing type women I dated in college instead of a bosser.”
Knowing him for five minutes, or fifteen days, or fifty-five years floats the same boat. If you don’t want him to paddle off into the sunset without you, best stop bossing him around. When we morph into our Crazy Lady persona (a whole chapter or two in Wife for Life), no one would call us “soft”, “kind”, or “nurturing”; especially our husband. Boss Lady/Tough Mama/Ms SchoolMarm might get the job done, but she cools, instead of warms, the heart.
As Big Sister to four little brothers, I myself am naturally bossy. It took years to tame my inner Boss Lady at home, but…I’d rather have his heart than his obedience or acquiescence, wouldn’t you?