Just before my daughter-in-law, Bri, gave birth to her first baby, I went to her shower, a tradition for all the female relatives on Bri’s maternal side of the family. Even though few of the women knew me or I them, we enjoyed camaraderie in the opening and admiring of gifts—which, I assumed, was why we were there. But when the last gift had been opened and touched by every hand, no one went for coats. No one budged. You could feel the room being called to order: Let’s get down to business.
All these women—these aunts, cousins, mothers, daughters, grandmothers, and sisters—zeroed in on Bri and proceeded after that to talk in a remarkable way about remarkable things. Their candor would have made any man or boy blush and flee. Marriage, sex, labor and delivery, breast-feeding—they ran the gamut. It wasn’t just an information-fest, but a celebration of life and experience: the ups and downs, the insides and outsides which are completely, utterly, absolutely unique to women.
And sista, it was beautiful. Reminiscent of women gathering in a basement to quilt, or on a back porch to shuck peas, these ladies talked like happy hens with no tomorrow—the way women have for generations—
until this one.
Our gender has always enjoyed and depended on each other, but science has now proven that our generation actually NEEDS each other to stay healthy: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. In so many words and in so many ways, we will literally die if we starve ourselves of ‘wimminfolk’.
The company of our sisters is vital to the production of the hormone oxytocin; the antidote to the killer cortisol (the stress-related hormone eating at our bodies almost non-stop because of our non-stop lifestyles). Spending a judicious amount of time gabbing with girlfriends is downright GOOD for us.
I, for one, know this is true, not only because my head and my heart agree with the science, but because surveys of Wife for Life University graduates confirm again and again that it is the community aspect of our school that has the greatest impact on our female student body. For instance, when asked how much the community aspect of the program (interacting with me and the other women in the program) impacts their ability to apply what they learn, 95% of students select “significantly” (over “somewhat” or “never”).
One of those enthusiastic survey-takers, who had not appreciated just how much she needed other women, noted: “The need for vital connection to other women in a healthy way just has not been part of my life, nor did I recognize that that was part of the void, nor did I have any idea how to fill it. I need more please!”
Ah yes. We ALL “need more please”: more insight, more connection, more validation, more understanding, more shared experience, more friendship, more love.
And what’s in it for our husbands? Lots. Men are not by nature, equipped to fill our bucket till it overflows day in and day out. The pressure to be perpetually passionate and to absorb all our womanly angst with aplomb wears even a nice guy to a thread. The good, supportive women you love can lighten his load, by providing a portion of the nurturing you crave; all part of your (and their) biochemical make up.
So the next time Hubby murmurs about “babysitting” so you can join a girl’s night out or a Wife for Life University class, tell him you need to replenish your oxytocin. Then—when you’ve wrung out your excess emotion and soaked up all the positive feminine energy you possibly can—reward him with the surplus!
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Discount code for Ramona’s followers: WIFESAVER
I so agree with this! Thank you for saying it so beautifully, Ramona. I thrive when I ‘gather’ with other women. Gathering is so fulfilling for me. And I think my husband is catching on to the secret, because he is always encouraging me to gather. (And I also agree that it is NOT called babysitting when you are a parent of those children!) 😉
Yes, haha, “babysitting”. 🙂 I love the word you are emphasizing, Lacy: “gathering”. That IS what it feels like and somehow it satisfies me as a woman that no other activity does.
So true! It’s something that doesn’t always come naturally because I don’t come from a big family with lots of women but I am so thankful for the opportunities when they come. Even if I’m just sitting and listening to everyone and not really participating it is so refreshing and re-energizing to be with women. I come back to “the real world” with so much more to give to my family- it’s amazing.
It is amazing, Deb. I grew up with all brothers, though, so I know what you mean. It took me many years in my young married life to feel comfortable sharing my heart with other married women. But look what I do today! I share it with untold numbers without reservation and it’s not just helpful to them – it’s good for me! 🙂
When I discussed to put in our budget Wife for Life my husband said ok. I am glad I am aware of your needs.. I think that having a community of women to talk to and girlfriends can make my conversations with my husband more meaningful because there is only so much he can hear.
So well said, Ann!”There is only so much he can hear!” LOVE IT.
It makes me love being a woman!!
Yes, Bri, I too love being a woman and helping other women love it too! Thank you for letting me tell a little of your story here!
Yes, Bri, like, you, I love being a woman and helping other women love it too!
Having recently moved across the country, away from the women I grew to love, I really miss talking with them – in Person! I am looking forward to my weekly “conversations” with our Wife For Life University group to help fill that need and curb the cortisol production in me! It’s hard for me to get close quickly though, so I hope they will be patient with me!
Andrea,
I am so gratified to hear it. That is, as I say, one of the most coveted aspects of W4LU – I promise it will help the more you are willing to engage and get involved. Remember, “you are a woman, you were BORN
to create”! Creating new friendships is deeply fulfilling as a woman because it’s fulfilling you drive to create. Good luck with that! I believe in you!
Of course we will Andrea! We’re so glad you’re joining us for girl time each week. 🙂
Amen! My husband is my best friend, but I can never have “girl time” with him. There is just something about having time with my girlfriends – and I’m glad you showed the studies that proved my feelings!
My 54th birthday was yesterday. I’ve had times in my life where I’ve had ‘girl time’ and times when I have not. The times when there has been abundant ‘girl time’ have been a lot easier than when there was not.
LuAnn, I’m just a couple of years older, and of course, I agree. From my mid-age perspective, I don’t know how I would have survived some periods of my life without the love and support of women! Thanks for sharing your experience with us!
I think when we gather and share we are able to break down barriers. Just when I think I may not have much in common with a lot of women in a particular setting, if there is an opportunity to share our stories with each other, there is a connection of hearts. We can connect. I find that more often than not we may have similar experiences, hopes, and dreams. Maybe I go about accomplishing that end goal in my own uniquely individual way, but I also like the comfort of reassurance from learning and turning to others. Some of us are teachers who impart wisdom. Some of us are shoulders who offer empathy, sympathy or compassion. Some of us are humorous who get us to crack open and just laugh! Some of us are trend setters who steer us toward the latest and greatest. Some of us are artisans who move us with their creations. Some of us are knowledgeable and give insight into understanding.
By gathering and sharing we also can connect in such a way that we recognize and appreciate that ‘sisters’ contribution. In turn, individually (she) or collectively (they) empower[s] us to recognize that we each belong to something greater than ourselves and our own small world. We are a part of a larger whole. We need each other and we want to help each other cultivate rich meaningful lives.
Wow. Beautifully written, Andrea. I love the way you outlined different strengths of different women.
I SO agree with everything you’ve said here. I was at a baby shower recently that almost mirrored your ex0erience and it was SO great! I wish all girls and women had this kind of honest, real support system. My family isn’t this way and to be honest, I was a littke jealous! I not only want to surround myself with strong, caring, and wonderful women; but I want to be that kind of woman figure for my friends and family as well.
This is so true! But, I’ve never thought of it as a need – but it is! Just about a month ago, I was very anxious one evening, and my thoughts kept going to ‘ I just need to talk to other women’. I didn’t need my husband, or my children at that moment, I needed girlfriends. As a tender mercy, I suddenly realized there was a book club going on in the neighborhood that night for women. I went, and came home fulfilled, happy, and ready for the next day. Thanks Ramona!
I can’t not agree with this more! I hate leaving my husband but when I do go out with girls… I come home a happy and understood woman!! He loves it and it’s a win-win for us both!
What ideas do you have for connecting in a new area? Several friends have moved, we live far from Family and connection takes time.
I know a woman who has a bleeding adrenal gland! That gland produces the cortisol! Her circle of friendship is very small, I thought as I read your post, the Dr.s can’t do anything for her! She may really benefit from friends and uplifting conversations… maybe she just needs some oxytocin from female friendship! I know she doesn’t get out, and she doesn’t use Facebook very often!
I think that face to face interactions seven more powerful than Facebook, though Facebook is better than nothing!