“Oh darling, without my mother and you, what would I have been!” –Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States
My husband showed me the Facebook status of one his friends one Valentine’s Day: “Taking my wife out to see Die Hard 5,” he wrote. “I know. I spoil her.” Dale laughed, but was smart enough not to go on and make fun of the guy. If he had, I would have been forced to remind him of the year he wanted to take me to Rambo 4 for our wedding anniversary.
Knowing that there are a lot of Romeos who would rather take Juliet to a soothing truck rally than a stressfully expensive restaurant should make us appreciate their efforts. A box of chocolates, a massed-produced greeting card, or a grocery store rose, mean much more than a man can say. “You, Wife, are my only confidante”, or “I depend on you alone for affirmation in my life”, do not generally roll off the tongue or the Hallmark presses.
Of course, when a man like that goes above and beyond the call of cultural norm, he deserves notice. I would like to so notice my own son, who took his wife to no less than the ballet for their Valentine’s date. Evidently they had a marvelous time and my son said he loved it, though my daughter-in-law confided to me that he fell asleep before the ballerina playing Sleeping Beauty did.
My son’s sacrifice and goodness makes me prouder than Prince Charming’s mother. The fact of the matter is I raised him to be a loving husband. Whenever I rewarded fistfuls of dandelions with happy squeals and hung Mother’s Day handprints on the fridge—I was teaching him what makes a woman happy. And when I did my best to exemplify admiration and respect for his father, I was giving him the desire and courage to entrust his life to a wife.
Of course, the trick as mothers is in sensing when to let our little boys grow up; in knowing how to not only respect their innate desire for independence, but to encourage it; and in making room for the woman who will take over as his primary inspiration. If we understand that that is exactly our mission as we mother our sons–to prepare them to succeed as men, husbands, and fathers—then the transition should be as natural as Sleeping Beauty waking up to a kiss.
I’ll never forget the conversation my son and I had the night before his wedding. We sat on the edge of his bed, like we had for thousands of mother-son conversations before, and he put his big, long arm around my shoulders, the way I used to wrap his little torso up with mommy hugs.
“Mom—” he said—“as of tomorrow, you won’t be the one I tell all my secrets to.”
“I know, honey,” I replied. “And it’s okay.”
I cried myself to sleep that night—but I knew I had succeeded as his mother.
Woodrow Wilson, who, by the way proclaimed the first Mother’s Day in 1914, paid this tribute to the first woman in his life: “My mother…prepared me for my wife. If I had not lived with such a mother I could not have won and seemed to deserve—in part, perhaps, deserved through transmitted virtues—such a wife—the strength, the support, the human source of my life.”
As my daughter and daughter-in-law read this, both will understand what I’m saying in a way that neither could have before birthing male children. Their precious sons are the entire world to those mothers, and each of is pouring her heart and soul into her boy. Those relationships are a joy to behold, not only for the present charms, but for their promising tomorrows. If my girls continue to invest in my grandsons (which of course they will)—remembering what all the time, care, and devotion are ultimately about—then I can attest to each one that someday, some way, some amazing woman will enter the picture to love and honor not only her son, but also his mother.
And that relationship makes the decades of investment preceding it, incredibly worthwhile.
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This is beautifully written! A favorite quote of mine is “A successful mother’s chicks will fly the nest.” I am working hard today so that someday my boys will successfully leave our nest and be prepared to choose a wonderful woman with whom to build their own nests.
Wonderful Melissa!
Simply beautiful!
Thank you Ramona for your inspiring blog post. It made me bawl like a baby the whole way through, but it’s because I sense the urgency and important stewardship I have in raising my 2 sons who are now 6 & 8. I do feel the mantle that I have in raising them to be honorable and devoted husbands, fathers, and hopefully an influence for good wherever life will take them. It’s in the small things everyday that are shaping them for who they will become. When they come running to me with a picture they’ve colored, story they’ve written, project they’ve spent weeks working on, or even to confide in me about a mistake they’ve made that I strive to give my wholehearted attention to. Those small moments are all a part of who they are becoming and I’ve learned that they crave my attention in the moment. If I let those moments passed by, I’ve missed an opportunity to teach them that those little things matter. That they (my boys) matter. Because as I’ve learned in my 2 years at Wife For Life University that what they do, is WHO they are (From a boy or man’s perspective).
Yes, Kacey! The small things when they are small boys turn into the big things when they are big men, don’t they?
I really appreciated this post and it gives me a new perspective on what it means to my boys when I do or do not acknowledge their bids for attention and affection – both for the present and for their futures.
Thanks for these ideas, that I have never thought about before.
I love you and wish the world was filled with a million Ramonas! How blessed I am by your wife for life wisdom.
I understand exactly what you are saying, but if my husband took me to see a Die Hard movie, it would be a sign that he was really paying attention. I love action films and the Die Hard ones are my favorites. 😉 (I do, however, have a standing date night every year with my oldest son to see the Nutcracker.)
The part where you shared about the talk with your son brought tears to my eyes. What a blessing it is to build this special bond with our sons. But more moms need to realize that part of that healthy relationship is letting them go. I had parents that hung on too tight, and I have seen other parents do that. Micromanaging our kids will not produce this kind of relationship. Only a balance of firm guidance, and careful letting go (when appropriate) will develop this. And in turn this will help determine who they choose, and how they treat them.
My oldest son is only almost 17, but this is the kind of relationship that he and I have. Thank you for this beautiful glimpse into the future.
Part of that healthy relationship is letting go… So true. And the letting go is what keeps relationships healthy.
Thank you for those sweet words. I love my 3 sons so much. They are more affectionate with me than my daughter! And I love their daily hugs and cuddles. I especially love that my 12 year old still hugs me in public! Your article gives me hope that I’m doing some things right. I want nothing more than for them to be happy in their future marriages (and I really hope their wives love me too). Any advice on worrying about getting along with daughters and sons in laws would be great! Lol
There is a special bond between mother and son. I’ve never thought about it in terms of his future wife, though. Another reason to learn how to be a “Wife for Life”. Thank you.
I love this article! I’m raising six children and two of them are my sons. I love them! I had never thought about this before. I’ve thought of so many important things in raising children but not this one. It’s beautiful. Ramona, thank you. I love what you are offering this world!
I’m a mom of four boys. What a responsibility I feel to raise them right. And at the same time, so inadequate!
My husband and I come from very different backgrounds and this have different ideas of what we want for our boys.
I grew up without a Dad in the home and my husband’s father was there, but not necessarily a great role model.
I pray that I can be the mother my son’s need, and can find/learn resources to help me raise them to be good men/husbands/fathers.
I love this post, Ramona! It puts me back on track, reminding me what my end goal is in raising my son (and my daughters) and how I treat their father. Thank you for the beautiful inspiration you always give!
Love this so much! Wonderful and wise, as always. I am so thrilled for you that your vision for your life continues to unfold in amazing ways.
You always make me think in new ways! At this time, my husband and I have five sons ranging in age from 8 years to 6 months, and unfortunately I can get so distracted on the here and now with all the noise and chaos that I forget the big picture. Thanks so much for the reminder of what I’m aiming to grow these boys up to become!
Thank you for the truth and wisdom in your post on raising boys to be men and husbands. I’ve always told people that I raised my son so that his wife will thank me. I was a single parent when I raised my son. Because of an accident he had during the summer after high school, his plans to attend Purdue University were put on hold. He then joined the Navy after 9/11 and chose to be a hospital corpsman (medic), caring for the Marines in his platoon as they were in the first battalion to invade Iraq. He took great care of the men in his platoon over the several deployments that he went through. He left the Navy having attained the rank of Chief Petty Officer in 14 years. He hasn’t yet found a woman whom he can honor with the title and position of wife, but I’m sure that she is out there somewhere as I’ve been praying for her. I am so proud of the man that my son has become and so thankful to God that He honored my efforts to raise my son to be an honorable man. Looking forward to the future!
Oh Teresa! So beautiful!