Do you know what a “matriarch” is? I was born into a lineage laden with matriarchs: mature, powerful women who have focused their entire lives on creating, leading, and serving a family. Constancy, wisdom, and devotion are the hallmarks and heritage of a matriarch; generational reverence is her reward.
My mother, Sharon, lost her mother when she was just a toddler. EIght older siblings, including six sisters — Athlene, Helen, Jane, Dorothy, Dyan, and LaNae — took responsibility for their baby sister’s upbringing, even as the older ones started and raised their own families. Most of the sisters even settled in the same county just so they could support one another in mothering all of the children (and there were a lot of them).
Because of my father’s work, our family was the exception to the proximity rule. We lived 12 hours away in another state. Even so, as the only daughter of their baby sister, my six beloved aunts treated me like the golden girl all my life, just like they knew their mother (my grandmother) would have.
You hear me speak of my “mentors”, well…my aunts’ influence on me has been incalculable.
Sadly, over the past few years, these women have been, in their 90’s, one by one, leaving us. The fifth one passed away just this week. The sixth and last, Aunt Dyan, is in hospice officially, which means that my Mama, their baby, is soon to be the sole remnant of the matriarchs’ heritage.
The thought is making me especially emotional and introspective this week. I clung to my frail, elderly Mama throughout Aunt LaNae’s service, and I knelt in reverence beside Aunt Dyan’s wheelchair. I cried watching these two very old women touch foreheads like girls in a schoolyard…whispering in ears, kissing on noses, clasping hands like there was no tomorrow.
The service (organized by LaNae’s posterity) turned out beautifully. We reveled in the tributes to her life; primarily praising her motherhood. Afterward, we went into the family lunch.
We first placed Aunt Dyan’s wheelchair at the table and then helped my Mama move from her walker into a chair close to Dyan. With Dyan’s advanced dementia, we knew it was important they spend every possible minute together, whether or not Dyan fully appreciated why. But Mama hadn’t been seated for thirty seconds before, out of the blue, her sister leaned toward her with great concern and said the first and only words I heard from Dyan all day: “Sharon, are you okay?”
That’s a matriarch.
My 48 cousins and I marvel at the strength of our continuing connection to one another (even as we are parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents ourselves now), and at the commonality in our gifts and capacities, as well as our faith and worldviews.
Representative of that bond and unity, several of my sister-cousins and I sang 3-part harmony at Aunt LaNae’s service; a song we’d hummed through for the first time only minutes before. The words jumped off the page and caught in our throats: they’d been written by our grandmother, the one we had never known; or rather, the one we knew well through our mothers.
I am proud to be a matriarch. And I want you to be one too if you want. Though it’s classically part of the definition, you don’t have to have a lot of children or any children necessarily, to be a matriarch.
What you DO need is lots and lots and lots of love…so much love over a very long time that people, your loved ones, are drawn together and glued together and progress together through your guidance, advocacy, and example.
That is why I do what I do.
I can see, I believe in, the next generation, a new generation of powerful, influential women; not “power” the way the world thinks of “power” but powerFULL in the ONLY THING THAT MATTERS: building and leveraging RELATIONSHIP.
Leave a comment: Tell me about the matriarchs in your life or your dreams for your own family.
“…just want to see those beautiful smiles…”
What a beautiful post, Ramona! I believe that such strong nurturing women behind you and around you have helped to make you the amazing woman you are today! Thank God for wonderful women who love on, and work for, their families like this! Thank you, too, for saying that a matriarch doesn’t have to be the mother of many children. Since I’ve only blessed with two (desiring many more if God wills it), I haven’t felt like much of a matriarch. But numbers are only a part of the picture. Thank you, Ramona!
Oh Rosemary, you are SO welcome! And YES, matriarchs in the ultimate sense of the word or concept is about the WOMAN, or says more about HER and her priorities than it does about the numbers in her posterity! I love that too. xo
I am a complete stranger that stumbled upon this beautiful post. I recently lost my grandmother who was truly the historian, sage, and true matriarch of my family. She was even the one to bring my family to America from Jamaica completely by herself. I love your story and the kind words you’ve shared about how we define what is a matriarch. As a matriarch in the making, I am embracing this work of loving and healing myself as well as the next generation in my family. Changing narratives, and breaking cycles aren’t always easy to work but I can see the impact so far and am leaning in on how to keep the work going. Thank you!
Ramona, this one of the most beautiful things you have ever written for us. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Thank you for this poignant reminder of what is really important in life & the prompt to focus on our legacy. Ramona your legacy, is helping us all to create our own. You are changing the world Ramona. Thank you.
DEAR Joanna, thank you so much. That means the world to me. It truly does. I believe in you. xoxox Ramona
That is just what I wanted to say: Ramona you don’t even know how you are touching so many lives through what you do and say. It is so good and so needed. I am crying too just so happy to be reminded of what really is the most important- love- so much love for all. Thanks for sharing and being you. You are changing the world for the better. God bless you wonderful lady.
Nicole, I really don’t know, and to read your incredibly generous words stuns me a bit. It also gives me heart to keep going. I need encouragement as much as anyone. THANK YOU!!! xoxox
Ramona, this is a lovely and loving post reminding us and encouraging us, as you always do, to honor and value our feminine natures and our roles as women. I learned the importance of a mother and matriarch very early in my life when I lost the woman who was my mother. And when I found you and your work I learned principles and truths that I had never formally learned anywhere else, but that resonated with me. However, without your teaching and mentorship, I would have never been able to use or apply. Thank you again for all you do and all the ways you affirm my individual nature, my womanhood, my motherhood and my commitment as a wife for life and for love. I’m am so grateful for you, your work, your writings (like this blog post), your podcasts, and your Wifesaver’s program.
With deepest sympathy for your loss all the way from Australia. Know that the work that you do, touches all parts of the world.xx
Megan, that so kind of you. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. xo
What a beautiful legacy and inspiration! Definitely a great example of powerful womanhood and lasting forevers!
I love that Deb. Let’s put it together: Powerful womanhood lasts forever!
Condolences Ramona to you and your family..
And thank you so much for your words of wisdom and inspiration..
love & hugs xx
Thank you sincerely, Judith!
Dear Ramona. I read your tender comments and was filled with a spirit of love and reverence. It is a blessing that you have such a legacy. I too have a legacy but of a different nature. My mother (now 84) has always been at home. I cannot remember a day that she wasn’t home when I came home from school. Through the years, she quietly serves behind the scenes. She lost 3 close friends to breast cancer while in their 50″s. I came to find out years later that she was the one to drive them 4 hours to Shands in Gainesville for their treatments. She was the one who took their family meals. To this day she continues these kind acts. Three times now since social distancing she has gone to her widow friend Jean’s home and left her favorite flowers, gardenias, on the front porch. Today she took a half a dozen deviled eggs because she knows Jean loves them. The amazing acts of service and compassion that my mother has done will never be recognized or applauded. But, the world is a better place because of her. Interestingly enough, she does not believe in God, yet I believe that God believes in her. Much love to you and your family and Happy Easter. Love, Laurie Grigley
Oh my, I just emailed you moments before receiving your email about your beloved aunt passing. I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. It touched a chord in me. I’m very new to WS, again, literally JUST emailed you to follow your instructions to introduce myself. I’ve only just written my letter to my future self and here’s a line from it – “I want you to be surrounded in love with a rich history of memories, relationships and pride. May you look back with few regrets, and lots of fruit from giving, teaching and encouraging others. May you enjoy your present, not taking time for granted, and may you look forward to a slower days, quiet contentment and a deep well of wisdom. May you be an expert listener, story teller, book reader, mentor, sister and friend.” After sending my email and then reading yours, you’re solidified as qualified in my book. Thank you so much for being you, we need you. Many hugs!!
Ramona;
Oh my dear Ramona. I am so very sorry for your loss. Especially at this time in our world. I too know this kind of loss. My husband’s grandmother passed away about a year ago and it has been hard but we sure have fun remembering the fun we had with her. I can think of a time when we went for our yearly visit to Kentucky from Florida. I was helping her by washing the dishes in the kitchen and she comes in to help (she was 90 years old at that time, and she lived to the age of 98). Well I am very organized a person even when I do the dishes. She comes in and says to me, wow Kathryn you have cabbage patched me. Then she started laughing her sweet belly laugh. I had the dishes so neatly placed in order and perfection without even realizing I did that. So we both laughed together and hugged. Her hugs were like no other in this world. Then she was there for me when we went up one year for our visit and I was 12 weeks pregnant. Sadly my husband and I lost our baby while up there on our vacation to visit this wonderful woman we so loved. When I came home from the hospital, she in her gentle quiet way took care of me the way I had never been cared for. She did not say a word. She changed the linens on the bed and then tucked me in like a mother would for her child. Then after I kissed her cheek I could see she had tears in her beautiful blue eyes. Still not a word, and then she left me in peace to rest. I never felt so loved ever before in my life and she never spoke a word. She was my matriarch. She showed me the kind of love I never knew I had always wanted. It is my hope that I can be that same kind of person like she was. She was a school teacher and guidance counselor for 40+ years. She was a beautiful person, and I really loved her. You too have been like that for me Ramona. Your work has helped me so immensely in my life and my marriage words could never really express how I feel about you. You will remain in my prayers and thoughts. Once again, my greatest sympathy for your loss.
Much Love Always;
Kathryn