There were still a lot of empty rows on the plane, but I’d flown sold-out Southwest flights often enough to know that it’s better to grab the aisle seat in a row 2/3 full — when you can be sure of who you are going to sit next to — than to take the first seat in an empty row and have no control over the size, shape, or personality that ends up beside you. On that count, the white-haired couple in 7 A and B were a no-brainer. I could see in their soft glances that they’d already “accepted my application”.
“May I sit here?” I asked.
They both smiled. “Of course!”
And that was the beginning of three of the most pleasant hours I’ve ever spent in cramped quarters at 30,000 feet.
We talked about their winter home in Florida and their summer home in Kansas City. We talked about his long career in the military and her long career in the home. We talked about their three children and their seven grandchildren, but most especially about the 25 year-old granddaughter whose wedding had just brought them and posterity together. And when they found out that I was a marriage mentor/educator, this experienced Mr. & Mrs. asked if they could share the same advice with my students as they had with their bride.
“Yes, please!”
I pushed my tray and shed my belt so I could turn to face them.
Mrs. smiled and bobbed her head in a motherly way.
“One day at a time,” she said with a satisfied tone. Then she looked at her husband.
Mr. looked back at her. Then he looked at me. Then he looked out the window. At last he turned toward both of us and leaned in purposefully across her lap. I leaned in too. Something said to me that whatever he said to me was not to be missed.
Lowering both his voice and his chin, he practically whispered: “Never keep score.”
I was stunned.
Never.
Keep.
Score.
Marvelous. Mr. had just communicated in three words what had taken me hundreds of words and several months to communicate to one of my mentees…
For all the progress and promises Suzie (I’ll call her) made in one of our weekly mentor meet-ups, I knew as sure as 1+1=2, that by the next week, we’d be back to square one. And it was one of those “square one” weeks when I sighed over her latest email: a long narrative in which the positive was overshadowed by complaints and charges against that infuriating husband of hers.
I dissected her diatribe, point for point, so that at our next meet-up, I could ask Suzie to assign each of her husband’s choices or behaviors to one of two columns: HELPFUL or UNHELPFUL. I also instructed her to assign each action a certain number of points; between 1-100, whatever it was “worth” in her eyes. For instance, was helping the kids with homework a “minus 30” or a “plus 30”?
She took the bait. In fact, she seemed to relish the opportunity to translate every single interaction between them from the past week, into numbers. For over 90 minutes, I patiently played the game with her; me vocalizing word-for-word her emailed report; she replaying each incident in her mind, then assigning it a value.
“You say here that he cleaned out the shed. What is that worth do you think?”
“Yes. Well, he and the boys did a good job of it, so I’ll give him 80 points for that in the Helpful column.”
“Very good.
80 points.” I picked up my pencil.
“Oh, but wait,” she said. My pencil hung in mid-air. “I asked him to do that two years ago. Better take 30 points off for that.”
“Right. 50 points. What about leaving work early to pick you up at the airport?”
“Ummm. That was nice, I guess. 40 points.”
“Alright…”
“On, but he didn’t kiss me till we got home. Make it 20 points.”
And so it went.
When we finally exhausted the email, I totaled both columns. To her surprise (and I suspected dismay), the HELPFUL column had more points than the UNHELPFUL column.
By a long shot.
She was quiet for a several minutes.
“Suzie. Did you really hear yourself?” I mimicked with kindness the exact way she bestowed and recanted approval based on her arbitrary and self-centered conditions. I didn’t have to explain further. To her great credit, Suzie, the “goading wife” (her own words) — Got It. Three weeks after our light-bulb session, she graduated, with honors, so to speak, from our weekly mentor meet-ups, cured forever of her arithmomania.
Suzie, and the many other Suzies I work with everyday, took up my thoughts for the rest of Flight 580. The fatality of “keeping score”, or what I’ve since come to call “the matcher mentality” became crystal clear in four points:
- The matcher mentality will only take you so far and is ultimately frustrating.
- The matcher mentality oversimplifies, which also only frustrates when complex people and problems cannot be controlled or are not resolved.
- The matcher mentality, which is based in self-justification, inevitably deteriorates into disrespect and condescension which kills any hope of motivating your partner to step up to the plate.
- The matcher mentality overemphasizes differences, disconnection, disappointment, and disparity while downplaying or remaining or ignorant of: 1) how those very differences could be helping you meet one another’s needs and 2) how you may actually be working towards the same goals but from different angles.
As I gathered up those thoughts (and my things) upon the landing of Southwest Flight 580, I said to my seat companions: “Thank you so much for your wisdom. It will help more women than you know. I wish I could give you something for it.”
“Oh my dear,” said Mrs., “our pleasure.”
“Besides, ” said Mr., “Who’s keeping score?”
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Wow Wanda! That’s definitely the most positive way to look at it. There’s no greater (or more rigorous) vehicle for teaching us what it means to live with and for others, that’s for sure!
Thanks for another helpful article. It’s always good to be reminded of all the things you talk about!
Thank you for the thanks, Nathania!
This is definitely hard for me. While I do agree, I am not so good at keeping myself from “keeping score”. I need to find a way to get past it.
We all relate Caylin! Keeping score is the natural default in human relationships! “Getting past it” is an honorable goal, of course, which I’m obviously advocating here, but it probably won’t happen just by willing it so. Learning how to think and see things differently takes a lot of new understanding and perspective, plus another whole skill set I couldn’t address in the article. Stick with me and Wife for Life (including reading my letters and my book, Wife for Life!) to start teaching yourself, and practicing, a far, far better way of relating to your husband. xo
So wise!!! How many times have I kept score? *forehead slap*
It’s almost unconscious, isn’t it Shanda? Thinking like a “matcher” is most people’s “default” way of interrelating.
It is! I’m on a mission to make a sign for my house as a reminder.
Thanks for all your guidance 🙂
It’s true. Keeping track of all of the “mistakes” someone makes just builds a wall between you, one brick at a time.
Sadly true, Anita. An Italian proverb says, “Love does not keep a ledger of others’ sins and mistakes.”
Ms. Ramona this is a beautiful quote and your post is just perfect! I know that I have kept score on so many things including which one of us was making the greatest effort to keep our marriage healthy. Which in and of itself was making our marriage unhealthy. I wish I could have meet this couple they sound adorable and it would have made my day to have had the opportunity to absorb wisdom from them. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for this reminder! As I was reading this, I thought “I don’t keep score.” But, I do…. without even realizing it! Even little things like, I’ve cooked dinner every night this week. Really??!! Without even thinking about all the things he does. Never. Keep. Score. Love this.
Jena — we ALL do!!! Awareness is key!
Never keep score. I love this! What a good reminder to stop that kind of negative talk in my head. And what I thought as I finished reading was, “How would I feel if he were keeping score?” Ouch! I would never want him to do that to me. That makes it easier for me to never want to do that to him.
Oooo! Love the way you turned that around Ann! How do YOU like him keeping score on YOU?
Sometimes in the heat of anger or disappointment it’s hard not to remember all the other wrongs he’s committed. We women have very long memories (mostly of his mess-ups) but that phrase “Never Keep Score” really sums it up nicely. And is certainly memorable ?
It is catchy – easy to bring to mind, Michelle. That’s why I loved it too.
My mother was an amazing woman; a great wife and great example of how to be one. She never said “I told you so” to my dad. She would give gentle suggestions to my dad, who would pooh-pooh them but later would follow that advice and claim it as his own idea (I have the same type of husband as my dad was). And she never said it was her idea when he did it. She let him believe what he wanted. She just loved him.
But he, in turn, treated her like a queen. We never forgot her birthday or failed to celebrate their anniversary.
They certainly never kept score … although mom admitted it took a while to subtlety work with dad. They were twitterpated with each other from the beginning, and it showed.
Thank you for this article; it keeps me moving forward.
She sounds like a Wife for Life, Cindy! Your lucky to have that example. Few of us do anymore…
I love the advice given from the experienced Mr. and Mrs. on the plane. “Never keep score”. Such simple wisdom but it truly is the simple things that make up our big things. Thank you!
It IS a simple saying, Monica, but if you’re in the habit — may be hard to DO, right? It may even take a whole re-education, which is what my book and school are all about! 🙂
Although I don’t think I keep score with my husband, I think I do with others – our children, co-workers, friends, etc., and I can see how it is contributing to my feelings of frustration and depression. Thanks for opening my eyes!
Wendy, isn’t it amazing how much unhappiness we cause OURSELVES? We all do it but default to some degree or another, in some way or another,until we have a shift in perspective that helps us see others as “real” and as important as WE are! 🙂
Good reminder. Thank you!
You are so welcome Gigi!
As always, you’ve helped me see things in a whole new way. Thanks for all you do!
How kind to say so, Valerie! Thank you!
Thank you for posting this Ramona. I don’t always keep score/matching, but often I do. I obviously see all the things I do each day, but don’t/can’t really see what my husband does (but how could I, when he is away from me at his work, or if he is home, it’s based on the computer). This is still this mentality, but one time he suggested I think about all the time he puts into work, since I cannot actually see physical accomplishments.
I also do this when people do favors for me. (Examples: the neighbor got his ladder and retrieved a ball from the roof; during a family emergency, my friend watched my son overnight.) Reading this is insightful, but has not completely changed my mindset…yet…. 🙂 I appreciate when people help me and I want to help them back. Partially so they see my appreciation and also I am trying to level the playing field, so I am not as much indebted to them. Although, a lot of the time others do not view it as I do, that I am then indebted, but that I can help them (or another) in their time of need.
Thus…I appreciate this and will keep working on it.
Dear Julie, there’s nothing wrong with returning a kindness, nor expressing your gratitude with an act of service! Both are examples of giving from a full heart that isn’t so much concerned about even-ing things up (which is self-focused); but more about blessing the life of the one so considerate towards you (which is “other”-focused and based overwhelmingly in love). 🙂
Also, I might have this view because this is how my dad is with my mom. My mom is always lacking in his eyes, and thus she lacks in her own eyes too. 🙁
Oh Julie, that IS sad. The example set by your father sounds convincing: keeping score (which is always about deficits) hurts the ones we love (or want to love better) and damages the relationship.
Ramona, I can’t tell you how much I love your emails. I read them as often as my busy Mom life allows and I have started to notice a difference in my marriage. My husband is happier. I am happier. My focus is more on building him up instead of keeping score. We have only been married 3 years, but have had some major challenges in our marriage. I so appreciate all your advice and stories to help us get to a positive place. You rock. 🙂
Kelsey! How thoughtful of you to let me know! That means the world to me. Bless you and thank you!
I was *keeping scores* before I came across your webinar for the first time 2 years ago. When through W4L principles my perspective changed, I knew immediately I would NEVDER KEEP SCORES again :). Love you Ramona!
I love their simple advice. Not keeping score is definitely a tough challenge for many women. I very much appreciate how you care and are able to articulate these ideas to help others. You are so patient when helping others realize their mistakes!