As a repeat offender, my Weight Watcher “Lifetime” status has always felt more like a prison sentence than an achievement. Chained forever to this body of mine, staying in shape (or rather, keeping a shape) means constant awareness and self-discipline. For the first 20 years of of my marriage, days began blurry-eyed on the treadmill and ended blurry-eyed at the fridge. I’d stand there petulant, demanding to know (in that bottom-of-the-barrel-last-fraying-knot tone-of-thought): “Who cares what I eat right now or how far I ran today? Why am I killing myself like this? What’s a body for anyway?”
There is an answer, but I didn’t get it until my mother-in-law passed away.
She and I were alone that day. Minutes passed to the rhythm of the respirator. Scared and bewildered, I took her hand in mine and began analyzing it in a way that you would never do with a person were they aware. I memorized every wrinkle, every fingernail, and every blood vessel. I wondered about all the things those hands had held, all the people they had touched, all the work they had done. Most of all, I thought on how those fingers had caressed my husband, as an infant, as a little boy, as a man…and how they had been nearly the first to wrap around my babies the moment they entered this life.
Two days later, in preparation for her memorial service, my sisters-in-law and I volunteered to dress Mother’s body at the funeral home. Arranging her skirt and buttoning her blouse, we were filled with reverence. Tenderly, we painted her nails, styled her hair, and brushed pink on her still cheeks, remembering the way she rocked a baby, wiped a tear, stroked a forehead, tied a shoe, fed a family, kissed a cheek, supported an elbow, packed a bag, waved good-bye. Her loving spirit had cherished us, but it was her physical self that had actually carried out the desires of her heart.
Mother’s last lesson revolutionized me. It was clear now that I had been trying too hard to “master” my physical appearance. Better to focus on working in harmony with my body, I realized, if its real purpose is to love others. Mother, for instance–though pretty and well groomed–definitely showed wear-and-tear: but her stretch marks and dishpan hands were marks of love. In fact, they made her all the more beautiful to those who really cared and really counted.
Because of this singular experience, I began to see and treat my body very differently: the way I would treat a cashmere sweater verses a worn-out sweatshirt. I called my new perspective the “Cashmere Resolution” (because Mother preferred cashmere), but keeping that resolution through the years since has not been easy. Frequent reminders are a must. Here’s how I repeatedly convince myself that my body is—in and of itself, regardless of its present shape—luxuriously wonderful.
- Awareness through journaling. Occasionally I write in my journal about an experience where my body was the star. Did I soothe with a touch, lift with a hand, love with my eyes?
- Focus on the physical. I love setting aside a day, an evening, even a vacation, for pure healthy physicality: letting go of all my mental exertions, zeroing in on (and letting myself really take pleasure in) physical sensations.
- Choose to value function over looks. Instead of critiquing my body in the mirror, I use intentional affirmation to prioritize accomplishment over appearance: “With that strong back, I created a garden.” Or “That belly is stretched because it carried a human being four different times!”
- Gain perspective through service. I’ve also found that doing something nice for, or with, a person(s) with physical limitations grounds me. Elderly friends, for instance, help me appreciate my relative youth.
Because I try hard to regularly employ one or more of these reminders on a regular basis, I am happy to report that the cashmere resolution is alive and well. In fact, I was thinking about it just the other midnight, when Honey, shivering under a blanket-too-thin, drew me in tight like a skein of soft wool. “You’re welcome,” I whispered (though he was already asleep). “What’s a body for anyway?”
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Not being happy with my body is just one of the ways I put stress on myself. I will work hard to remember to appreciate my body for what it has done and can do. 🙂
I’m afraid the seaf-imposed stress comes with our gender, Wendy! So glad my story reminded you to let it go!
I am in amazement of how amazing my body is…having 11 children and the wear and tear of that God has been good to give me amazing health…I praise Him and praise Him for all the healing He has given me through the years with what could have been devestating hard to overcome difficulties He has had mercy!!
My goodness Wanda! Your body is a miracle! I am a natural science junkie, and of all God’s creations, a Woman’s body seems to me to be obviously the most intricate, elegant, and wondrous of all.
This is great! I am a young (ish) mother (now 25) and had my oldest when I was almost 21. Never fully felt 100% confident in my body growing up and as a teen. My body changed so much with two pregnancies and two sessions of breastfeeding that it really took a toll on me emotionally. I still have a very difficult time accepting the way my body looks. This was just what I needed to hear. It is all about a mindset shift. I have stretch marks everywhere because I created and carried two beautiful children! There are changes to my breasts because I NOURISHED THEM with milk for over a year! It is quite a beautiful thing <3 Even though I am young and don't have the typical "young adult woman/supermodel" body, I have done quite remarkable things with this body I have and should be appreciative!
Carolyn
Oh Carolyn! You bring tears to my eyes! I am YOU all those years ago! And I am sure your psychological wrestle between reality and fantasy is one every young mother experiences! Your “reality” is indeed exquititly wonderous and beautiful!!!!
Growing up, I remember my mom always hating her body and working hard against growing older and the natural changes that come with time. For a long time, therefore, I also struggled with body image. But five babies and a whole lot of perspective later, I feel like I’ve come to (mostly) accept my body for the great gift it is. Thanks for the great tips to help us keep in mind what a body is really for!
Valerie, you’re right! It isn’t just society’s example to us, but our mothers and the other women in our lives that have a huge impact on our perception of womanhood and our body image. You know, aging adds another dimension to this discussion and, as I just replied to Emily, I admit that I still vacillate between hating and loving that aging process. How sad it is that we can’t just embrace it with a little more grace!
Imagine all the Crazy ladies who would be banished, all the families spared pain, all the therapy that wouldn’t be needed if women accepted themselves for who they are and loved their bodies!! I wish I could take all the self-loathing that women experience during a lifetime and dump it in the ocean and watch it wash away with the rolling tide. It truly is one of the greatest lies out there: that we should despise ourselves for this BODY we so often don’t like or would give anything to change.
If only we could continually remember how amazingly miraculous this body is and how blessed we are to have it.
This is a beautiful perspective on the TRUE reasons we need our body–to love and serve and CREATE others! A miracle indeed!!
Amen amen amen, Emily! You know, aging adds another dimension to this discussion and I admit that I still vacillate between hating and loving that process, but your comment reminds me how futile and destructive “self-loathing”, along with age-lothimg, really is. xo
Thank you for the beautiful reminder of what are bodies are intended to do and when we chase what society deems beautiful, we waste the time that can be spent on what actually does.
That’s it Cindy! What our bodies are INTENDED to do!
I needed this today, as I am struggling with infertility. I got married later (32) in my life and didn’t think I would ever have a chance to be a mother and now as we have tried for almost a year and a half I have felt that my body was failing me. I need to remember that my body is not failing me, it is allowing me to do so many other things that many people do not have the ability to do. Thank you for this reminder.
Oh dear Andrea! I am so glad it’s brought you some perspective. It is so true that a woman’s body is designed to create and convey love in SO MANY WAYS. I hope you will celebrate that as you continue with your quest. God bless and please write anytime if I can help inspire or advise! xo
What a beautiful post to read this morning. Thank you!
Maybe we all need to be reminded at the start of each day what our bodies are really for, Sara. xo
Loved my body more before I got married. Hate my body now but don’t focus on it much nor do I typically speak negatively about it in front of my kids. Don’t want them to grow up w unhealthy view of themselves. Thankful I have been able to nurse ALL my children for as long as necessary and desirable
Who didn’t Angela? I remember a line from the old Cosby show that makes me laugh, in which Claire Huxtable sighs, “I was a beautiful woman before the children came.”
How beautiful! That’s a wonderful way of looking at your body. Something I need help with. I’m definitely going to give it a try. Especially the part about looking in the mirror and complementing an accomplishment of my body rather than focusing on the negative!
That’s the secret Judith~!
Beautiful sentiments and reminders. Focusing on the physical really stood out to me. I can see now how it’s very easy to be removed from our physical connection to the world due to electronic distractions. I think it would be a wonderful example for my children as well to spend time each week focusing on that physical sensation, especially outside. Thank you for that!
Oh my goodness Erika! I’m so glad you extrapolated that out to your children. YES! Being grateful for the physical self only comes when we USE it with good intention and meaning (and not just exercise, right?!) — hearing, seeing, touching, tasting — it’s all part of the incredible system that is YOU!
This has been such an “ah-ha!” read for me! I’ve worked hard to stop the negative self-talk about my body, but never thought about taking it as far as celebrating it. What a beautiful idea! My body had twins at age 40… that’s a great reason to celebrate! I feel like I’m going to have a genuine mind-shift here and focus on the amazing things my body does. Thank you!
That’s an astounding reason to celebrate, Ann! Holy cow! (No pun intended!) so glad to help — you deserve it!
I’m very blessed to like my body! However I’ve not faced the wear n tear on this body of mine from children. I am a physical body worker a massage therapist! I push, love and work to relax my body as a I work every day! I see signs of wear n tear on my face as I’ve worried with friends and clients through griefs and pains! I have wrinkles and grey hair! I’m hooping I can love my body as it some day serves a family, the way I’ve loved it for helping me be a massage therapist!
What a wonderful service you provide. I weep while getting a professional massage and finally realized it was all the emotion I contain in my muscles! Thank you Dezie!
I’ve been trying to be more mindful of this the last few months and at Thanksgiving I decided to be grateful for my body. When I thought that way it opened up so many things our bodies do for us, every day! Some days it’s just appreciating that your legs enable you to walk or your neck can hold your head up high. Being mindful of my body and the need to accept it as it is now has driven me to treat it with more gentleness and kindness. By nourishing it with better food, exercise, and rest, instead of punishing it for now being a certain way. That shift in perspective has already made a huge difference for me!
SO much happiness in what you are saying Melissa! Thank you for sharing that it CAN be done!
Loved reading through your beautiful story! I’m going to employ some of those techniques (particularly #1 on awareness) to help me love and self-nurture myself more! Thank you :).
SO glad to hear it dear Farinaz!
Love, love, love this! Body image is one of my passions. I’ve been studying and speaking about it for a long time. What you say is so true. Our bodies were made to do so many wonderful and amazing things, to bless ourselves and others, not to be pinched, prodded, shaped and shoved into society’s current, constantly shifting “ideal”. I’m proud of all that my body has helped me accomplish, and I treasure my battle scars.
If you think about it, our body is the only lifelong stewardship we have in this life. We receive it the moment we get here, and relinquish it as we leave. Since we will be spending so much time together, it only makes sense to learn to love it, take care of it, and appreciate it, not fight against it. Thanks for putting a voice to such an important topic.
Love love love your comment Stephanie! Especially the idea of “stewardship” and making friends with our temporal travel companion! Another great way to look at it. xo
Hi Ramona,
My body and I have traveled to the moon and back it feels! I was sick a lot as a child with no awareness as to what was wrong. As a young adult I was blessed with 5 very difficult pregnancies, and 6 amazing children. Then I worked hard and was in the best shape of my life! Always in pain but very fit finally after dieting my whole life!
Then came diagnosis after diagnosis. Many heart conditions, emergency brain surgery, thyroid cancer and many more. I still diet constantly, (not always adequately). But my body is far from what I wish it were like. It’s a very good reminder to honor what my body can do, and to not be so constantly critical. Thank you!!❤️
Melinda, thank you for your very personal example of what it’s like to live with a body fighting for health and even survival! What a WONDER that you have given birth to so many children and, I’m sure, continue to love and serve them through that amazing body of yours.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this! I needed to be reminded of these things and want to implement those ways you suggested to appreciate my body. Just the other day I remarked to my husband that I have a “mom belly” from the baby I carried less than 4 months ago. It’s softer and rounder after my almost 9-pound baby made room inside, but now after reading this, I feel better about the way my physical body is shaped right now – I’m choosing to see it as an instrument of giving love!
Adele, if we set aside the paradigm rammed down our throats by society, and really consider the natural beauties and wonders of life, isn’t a mommy-body/breasts and belly about the most gorgeous thing there is??? You know, while we lived in Europe, I saw more naked marble and plaster bodies than I care to remember, but what did impress me time and time again, were the soft bellies of the feminine subjects. From London to Greece, from ancient to modern sculpture, there’s not a a flat, firm belly across the continent. At least sculptors know what REAL beauty looks like!
Your title is perfect, Ramona, and immediately focuses us on the beautiful truth that our bodies have purpose – and they are a glorious gift!
Perhaps one of the sweetest experiences a body allows us is that of serving another – most of my dearest memories are linked to times that, because I have a body, I’ve been able to help or serve another of God’s children. Thank you for that reminder!
As I move into my second half-century and begin to see signs that my body is changing with the years, I will take your counsel and continue to find every positive thing about this wonderful gift, and to be grateful for the beautiful miracle that it is.
Roslyn, I think it’s a special challenge to continue to appreciate (instead of despair) our bodies as maturation begins its inevitable work. Like you, I’m trying hard to keep the right perspective and rejoice in what I CAN do for others still, instead of what I can’t (at least not as fast or as easily as I used to!)
So clever, thoughtful, and well written. This message will stay with me for a long time.
What a sweet thing to say Michelle. Thank you!
What a beautiful way to treat this precious body we are each given. I see grace for ourselves all over again. Celebrating and loving in this body vs. beating it up along the way. Thank up for this encouragement Ramona!
YES! Jessica! You know how much I love that word GRACE!
It is so true to utilize the insight we can gain from recognizing the stories around us. We as women are so detail oriented, which I think becomes the fear we hold of ourselves (what are others seeing of me). Yet, for me, when I can spot these details I utilize it as part of their story. The ability to see grease on someones hands and recognize hard work, spit up on someones shirt and know the strength it took to get dressed that day or the confidence of a someone ‘unkept’ braving the supermarket with their children knowing their family came first.
I, like every woman, have had up and down struggles. And while there are days I am more critical about change than others, my mindset shift is to think about nourishing my mind and body. By feeling fulfilled mentally/emotionally and making attempts to fuel my body with hydration and nutrition I can feel beautiful on the inside to add to my story on the outside.
My body does depress me! I look back on times when I was so focused and healthy and have reached the point of feeling like giving up. Right now I am trying to find balance. To love and embrace the body God has given me, to accept the condition I am in now but to also make better choices to take care of the body God has entrusted to me. I have teenagers. I am reaching the years that should be some of my highlights of life mixed with the hardest parts. I want to be present for all of it!
I feel like this is revolutionary! Media is all about the perfect physique. I worry about my weight, a lot. I guess I could instead be grateful that even though I am not currently losing pounds, thankfully, I am not gaining them! As you said, we should appreciate our bodies for that which they enable us to accomplish! As I visit on occasion with women older than myself, I really come to appreciate their wisdom and my good health and strength. Each body is a gift from God.
I’m so glad you shared your thoughts! I practice these principles now that I’m 46, with the exception of #1. That is a wonderful idea. I’m sure that as I get older I will have to remind myself about the others.
I’m focused more on health than appearance. My in-laws are healthy enough to get down and play with my kids. My parents were both in walkers the last time they visited. I have a friend that I used to rock climb with occasionally. She is old enough to be my parent. She would always wear me out at the end of our time together. I want to be like that. I want to be the rock climbing, marathon running, granny one day. I want to be that because I think those things are fun and I think they will help me be healthy enough to play with my grandkids some day.