For decades now, people have admired the rapport between my husband and I. Whether we’re presenting on stage together, or chatting with friends in our living room, the chemistry is obvious and apparently enviable. A curiosity. Where, I’ve been asked, does it come from?
If only I could take my inquirers to Paris. Because my answer is there, in the Louvre Art Museum, specifically in the “Salle des Etats”, where Mona Lisa sits composed in the midst of constant chaos: hundreds of photographers clamoring for their shot at any given moment. And why not? She is the most famous face in history. What most people don’t know about Mona Lisa though, is the fact that it took forty-plus years to create her––at least it took that long for Renaissance man, Leonardo da Vinci, to become expert enough, to craft his masterpiece.
And therein lies the answer to our question, “Where does a charmed marriage come from?”
Deep down, despite Hollywood producers and those steamy novelists, we all know that people in successful relationships are neither wholly lucky nor naturally talented. Think Leonardo. The world considers him the most talented man in history, yet it took years of concerted study and practice for him to earn that reputation. And crafting relationships is not so different from crafting a fine piece of art: it is, in of itself, an art form, and artistry connotes mastery, a unique flair, even a stroke of genius. Artistry also however, connotes persistence, patience, practice, and preparation. As Michelangelo put it: “If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all.”
Thus, as nice as it would be to believe that lasting love is a force of nature, God, or serendipity (rather than hard-won skill), kidding ourselves that way leaves us very vulnerable. We’re primed for disillusionment; the romance-buster of all time. When early lovers paint with wide brush-strokes and bold colors, they are feeding off an adrenaline-charged kind of faith (“where you jump across an abyss” as Jean-Paul Sartre describes it) and adrenaline always runs out (half-way cross the abyss).
If the relationship is to thrive, let alone survive–if disillusionment is to be avoided or overcome–then a different kind of faith has to come into play: a faith in our self and our loved one that is intentionally cultivated. That leap from blind faith to deliberate faith is not happenstance, however; it is an undertaking, and it requires far more than an evangelist’s zeal for romance. The woman who sets out to create fine art patiently employs self-development and education like oil paint: correcting and blending the relationship as she advances in her understanding and skill set.
Will the lifetime effort to hone such talent be worth it, in spite of one’s upbringing, instinctive aptitude, or luck of the draw? There are no guarantees of course, but consider the alternatives. Demanding that ongoing, authentic intimacy can and must come “naturally”– is in reality, a glossing over of the details and a forfeit of personal responsibility. The inevitable result of that presumption is a “rickety-stairs” kind of relationship: every step requires so much concentration (clinging to an unsteady rail, tensing at every creak and loose board) that a woman’s productivity is incredibly compromised.
In a carefully crafted marriage, on the other hand, love is not about trepidation, it’s about trust; trust that is given and received, not like some high-stakes gamble, but more like pennies in a piggy bank, steadily accumulating over time. Inside her purposeful relationship, a “talented” woman becomes rich day by day, ascending the stairway of her life with confidence, free to make the most of her other gifts and ambitions.
In this way, my own marriage has, over 40 years, gone from disillusionment to faith, from finger-painting to masterpiece, culminating in a legacy-love kind of romance. When did our rickety staircase turn into a solid ladder? I remember clearly. It was the moment I realized, four days from divorce court, that to experience an artisan marriage, I’d have to dump dumb luck, rather than my husband, and become a Leonardo myself.
Love is the “art” in the art of living.
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This article appeared first on Hitchedmag.com and Dr.Laura.com.
Taking ACTION to show your thoughtfulness to your spouse makes for cherished moments. A lifetime of cherished moments creates a treasure chest we can open and run our fingers through to bring us hope and peace when our relationship is having a rough patch.
I love D, your emphasis on the small moments. Oh my goodness. That’s what it all come comes down to. Mona Lisa, is you know the history and particular art form, was not done in wide, bold strokes, but in the tiniest of pinpoints with feather light brushes. And the treasure chest? Well, as an “anologist” myself — I love it. Beautiful comparison. xo
This is such a beautiful concept. I love that I don’t have to have everything perfect now, it’s all in the journey. Thanks so much for sharing Ramona!
Picnic on the beach!! We do this often!!!
I agree with you so very much. I always tell people and my daughters that people who do nails or plant a garden take classes in order to do a successful job, but the most important careers in life and forever, marriage and parenthood, we do not take classes, we do not get involved in learning skills and make some changes in our own selves. Thank you for doing such a great job in educating, sharing and empowering women. I have been very blessed since I learned the importance of learning about marriage, and contributing to my happiness and my husband’s happiness. I learn a lot when I read articles like yours. Thank you very much.
Thank you so much for the reminder to focus on my strokes and my efforts to make a masterpiece. It has been a remarkable difference when I turn my attention to what I CAN do and away from what he is doing that I don’t necessarily want. I have found happiness as I receive what he offers as a gift and turn my own efforts into my gift to him.
Whoa Heather! You’ve got it! Wife for Life internalized! The only thing you have “power” over, is yourself — and when we realize THAT, everything changes, not only our own happiness and our feelings towards him, but, miraculously, his feelings towards US! Keep it up my dear! You’re on your way!
I love how well this is written. This is such a great reminder. Thank you so much for sharing.
Marci, you are most welcome. xo
The revelation of how crucial it is to intentionally cultivate faith in myself and my loved one didn’t come to me until much later in life. When I was younger, what did I know? My role as an artist isn’t easy and there are times I definitely do not see how colors go together to create a masterpiece but I know that’s where patience and perseverance come in.
What did we ALL know, Jen? My job today is to reach women, and hopefully teach women (earlier in life especially), what you and I learned the hard way. Keep painting sister! Your oil paints can be corrected and blended for a long time to come.
After being married 30 years I can truly say it only gets better:) Its worth every bit of effort!! The connection, the love, the friendship…aw God’s plan is good!!!
Wanda, the research backs up your assertion that “it only gets better”. One study interviewed, among others, people who described themselves as unhappily married. When the subjects were reinterviewed just five years later, researchers found that those who stuck it out rated what they had formerly called an “unhappy marriage” as either “quite happy” or “very happy.” In fact, the worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds!
I am working, for the first time, to cultivate a masterpiece in my marriage. It takes real effort, but these efforts are starting to bear fruit already…and have completely shifted the trajectory of my marriage.
THANK YOU Ramona!!
Cheyrl, I SO appreciate your sharing your “turnaround” with me! What an inspiration. Stay on your trajectory towards unity and intimacy. If you haven’t watched it yet, I HIGHLY recommend my free video lesson, “Marriage Markers” http://knowthemarriagemarkers.com/ about the steps ahead on that road, and how to avoid those going the opposite direction! You go girl!
I’m finally starting to get more intentional with pursuing time with my husband (after 12+ years of marriage and 5 kids) with weekly date nights and really look forward to your ideas! Your book and teachings have been the catalyst to push me from love just “happening” to really focusing on my relationship with my husband and how I can do my part to help it thrive. Thank you!
Valerie, what great news! Your determination to put less emphasis on the past and t0 focus on the present (what’s “happening”), while obviously keeping your vision of the future real and alive, is the Wife for Life dynamic for dynamic change and growth. You’ve got this.
I’m glad someone shared you on Facebook! You and your posts give me hope in my marriage that I’m prepared to leave after 23 years… I bought your book Wife for Life and it Is giving hope!! Thank you!!
Leigh, WOW! In the nick of time? Long ago, (as you know if you’ve read the book), I got my bearings in the “nick of time” and here we are, 40 years later, proving that old me and all the other naysayers WRONG. I’m so proud of you and rooting you on in every way I can. I would LOVE to have you in Wife for Life University!
I’ve been intentional loving my hubby from afar as he’s taking care of sick family out of state. Your emails have really made a difference for me. Good reminders! Thank you.
Oh Laura, that is a difficult circumstance. I am so sorry. It sounds, though, like you are wisely using this time apart not only to remind both of you of your love, but to reflect on your relationship and to educate yourself for the time when you will be together again. I hope you continue in that vein! It will be so worth it.
On this Valentine’s Day I’m beyond grateful for this reminder and the wisdom I’m slowly integrating through Wife for Life principles and W4L University. May I proactively remember daily not to “gloss over of the details and a forfeit of personal responsibility”. Awareness is key and now I have the choice to move our marriage towards forever. A full heart of love and possibility on this Valentine’s Day! Thanks for all you do Ramona!
Dear Jessica. You know how much I love you and how proud I am of the strides you are making. Thank you for letting me and the Wife for Life University sisterhood into your heart. I am thrilled it is making such a difference. See you in class!
I love this! Marriage is something you constantly have to work for. Like all things that are important, it won’t just “happen.” Hard work often is unseen from the outside, but it doesn’t make it any less vital.
Oh Marissa! So true. In fact, this kind of consistent “hard work” as you put it, eventually translates into a natural way of thinking, being, and interrelating; so natural in fact, that others, new to your acquaintance, will think that you’re just magically blessed or gifted somehow. 🙂 Talent always begins in a raw place, and the greatest talent of all is cultivating and maintaining your relationship.
I believe very strongly in what you have to say. A marriage masterpiece takes lots of hard work and we as women hold such influence for positive change. Thank you for your continuous supply of insight, we are all better for it!
Jennette, thank you sincerely for your affirmation and support. It means the world to me. Bless you!
I never thought of relationship building as a skill before WFLU. The idea has transformed all of my relationships. I wish more women knew that a simple change of perspective can change their whole life. Thanks Ramona!
Shanda, I am so thrilled that your W4LU experience and education has had such a profound impact on your perspective and relationships. What happiness you have let into your life beginning with that one simple, but oh-so-profound idea! Love you!
Thank you for helping me slow down and be more deliberate in giving my marriage attention. I want the connection between my husband and I to stay strong and I felt parenting was taking priority but I’m learning the marriage strengthens the parenting.
Emily, I admire your devotion to your motherhood, you must be a great mom. I’m so glad though, to hear that you’ve learned the tremendous value a thriving marriage is to your children, and will be throughout their lives. I can testify personally to that! And as you put energy into the relationship, guess what happens? That man you married, matures into the kind of father and grandfather you want for your children!
For me, a big part of happiness and success in marriage has come through service. Service is an act of love and it increases my love for my husband as I serve him. I loved the reminder that the seemingly small strokes of service can combine into a masterpiece of marriage.
Yes, Andrea. The giving from abundance, and the receiving with confidence, is integral to a healthy, thriving marriage. And YES, it is the small things, the very small things, that accumulate over time to create a relationship of our own making!
Your joy and enthusiasm for cultivating a healthy, vibrant marriage are a needed voice today. Self centeredness has become the norm in our society. Thank you for your message of hope. I’ve been married for 36 years to my very best friend, but each day is still a choice– will I live for me or for we?
Oh Lyn. I love your mature perspective on this. There is me. There is him. And then there is US: a third entity that is more potentially powerful than either one of us alone. That US, though, requires the intention that you mention. Each day. xo
Ramona thank you for all you do to help build beautiful marriages!! It is an art; one worth working for! It’s so easy to get stuck and want to give up, but you have helped me to see what a beautiful marriage can be like and now I am creating mine! Thank you!
Sue! You’re UNstuck?! 🙂 YES! That makes my day! You’re right! Happiness is progress and progress only happens when we’re MOVING. If you haven’t seen it yet, I HIGHLY recommend my free video lesson, “Marriage Markers” that will help you make sure that you are “moving” in the RIGHT direction (because we often don’t comprehend that we’re actually going the opposite way!). http://knowthemarriagemarkers.com/ Love to you!
Ramona, I have so much respect for you and what you teach. You are so right about changing our thoughts to change our marriage. I have listened to many of your videos and am so grateful for that you are exemplifying in today’s world. I’ve been married for 22 years. You are such an awesome example. Thank you!
Sherrine! Twenty-two years is an accomplishment! Let’s go for 50 more! Thank you very much for your kind affirmation. It means a great deal to me.
I like the idea of it being one step at a time to make the relationship solid. I am more proud of things in life I have accomplished up to this point that I spent a ton of time and effort on to make it great. My relationship journey shouldn’t be any different if I want to look back and have that same feeling. Wanting that grand marriage instantly without going through the learning process will not help solidify the concepts and the why behind each new choice. This article is a good reminder that the journey to grand is what truly matters in the end!
Amen amen amen Kelsy! I personally believe — (and many a lonely old over-achiever will back me up on this) — that a beautiful relationship is the ultimate accomplishment, and the knowhow to achieve it, is the most worthy and ultimately satisfying kind of education in this life!
Thank you so much for the continued inspiration. New perspective is so welcome after 15 years of marriage. Your thoughts are so motivating and make me look forward to our future!
Oh Stephanie, it is my joy and pleasure — especially when I hear how helpful it is to you. Thank you for taking the time to say so.
Thank you for these thoughts – I’m looking forward to a masterpiece marriage for myself and hubby
Look forward, dear Amanda, and work hard for it today! (and everyday). You can do it. As we say in Wife for Life University, you CAN live your dreams AND love your marriage.
Thank you so much for this encouragement!
You are so welcome, Laura. xo
I appreciate your perspective and encouragement to keep investing in relationships even when they’re hard – because it feels so much easier to pull back, withdraw and self-protect. But being reminded there is a long-term goal and benefit in continuing to give is very helpful, thank you!
Ah Deb…relationships are a risky business, no question. But our chances for success, for feeling safe and secure, let alone FREE to fly, depends very much on our willingness to be vulnerable…and to risk it all over again. And again. And again. Of course, this mantra doesn’t apply to abusive relationships, but generally, it applies far more than we’re willing to admit. A vision of WHY you are risking so much though, is critical. If you haven’t read Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage yet, I strongly recommend you do, for THAT reason: learning about THE WHY. 🙂
It is so good to be reminded that it takes effort to have the intimacy we long for. We expect it to just be there instead of creating it together lovingly over time!
I appreciate thinking about the comparison of my marriage to a masterpiece made by thoughtful and purposeful strokes. I am inspired to learn to be a master of trust, faith, and practice. I love my husband dearly, and I wish for us to have a grand masterpiece!
The world needs this message! It gives me hope to think that I could learn how to become a master at marriage. Thank you!
Thank you for your inspiring views on marriage. I love that it is possible to have a better marriage each year as we actively work on them. I will be married 10 years in September. This is the first year that I have made an effort to arrange a babysitter so we can go out once a week. It has made a difference and so worth the effort.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Thank you for your thoughtful, honest posts. Married 21+ years. Happily, but not always easily. Your words are a wonderful reminder of the work that must be done to keep a relationship strong and vital. Thanks for being living proof that playful intimacy is still possible after decades of togetherness.
Have a truly lovely day.
It’s an encouragement to think of marriage like DaVinci honing his craft. Most of an artist’s work isn’t glamorous but instead day-by-day commitment and a lifelong process of improvement. Thanks for the inspiring words.
I love this idea that successful marriage is not about finding the perfect guy or natural ability but about effort.
Thank you for your inspiring messafes
Hi Ramona,
Thank you for sharing your insight, especially about Mona Lisa and composure. It convicted me today that I have been rather short on patience, wanting everything HERE and NOW! My goodness, this is such valuable insight. For my marriage, for my daughter, for my business ventures. I have been the kind of person who would more likely give up at the 1st or 2nd hurdle than properly learn how to get over them; getting the proper training involved in running the marathon of life.
I am much better with patience than I used to be, but I still have MUCH work ahead of me on much deeper levels. Thank you for your role in helping me to go deeper.
Marijo
Thank you for this reminder! Love is something we have to work at! It has to be, as you put it, “intentionally cultivated”. In order to grow closer as a couple and have the relationship with our spouse that we are all striving for, we have to work on our masterpiece (marriage) one stroke at a time, day by day, moment by moment until it all pays off in the end.
I think that we are changing everyday. And we have to be carefull to turn around, look and learn about how our spouse is changing, and share our own changes togehter, in order to continue walking. Thank you very much for remind us not to forget the precious little things, that are the ones that matters the most.
Thank you for blessing us with your insights! Loved reading this, it gave me the reminder and motivation to carry on with patience love and understanding and hard work in creating the masterpiece I so desire! Thank you!
Thank you for this post! I never thought of marriage this way. I think it’s easy to get discouraged sometimes in our marriage but each year we are improving and making our own masterpiece!
Thank you for your time, commitment and inspiration in encouraging me and others to cherish their marriages. My heart is saddened how quickly marriages dissolves today without ever putting in any effort. When I read your posts, words, or books I am truly motivated to keep up the hard work in loving and respecting my husband that God has given me.
In today’s world, it is way too easy to throw away anything that doesn’t work on the first try. But more than that, it is hard to see the purpose behind keeping it. Sometimes it “makes more sense” to use disposable plates all the time, rather than using the energy to pull out your great grandmother’s beautiful handmade china, especially because the china has to be handwashed! And yet how much more joy do we get out of the beautiful china? We pull it out gently, set a stunning table and enjoy every moment of using the lovely dishes before we wash them lovingly by hand and put them back on display in the china cabinet. Of course, if you aren’t comfortable with it, it may be packed away, oh so safe and lonely in a box where you never see it. It can be scary taking the plunge to really make your marriage so used, loved, and cared for. It seems so much easier to grab a paper plate and toss it in the garbage when you are done. But where is the beauty and joy in that? It is only through caring for, using and displaying our china that we can find the joy in it, and it becomes more beautiful to us every day.
This is an excellent analogy–simile: Great marriages are like grand masterpieces of art. They require a great deal of research, training, practice, and even possibly some do overs to get just the right shade and we’re new wants or line. This is probably the most helpful analogy throughout the wife for life course, this one resonates with me strongly. We could even say that a young marriage might be like a child’s drawing and as it matures it becomes like a teenager in an art class is drying, with some teaching and some skill, it’s not too bad. But truly it is through years and years of the artist training and learning and overcoming his or her weaknesses, finding his or her gifts and learning to express them in ways that everyone around them can appreciate the beauty. This analogy helps me have more patience and be more willing to invest time into studying communication and great marriage and personality styles amongst other things. Thank you so much for all the time you’ve taken in your life to become a great artist, Ramona, and For sharing your ground masterpiece of marriage with the world. How you got there and what we can all learn from it is a tremendous blessing. And a beautiful gift you’ve given to yourself and your children in the world. Thank you so much! No
This is very helpful. I always love your articles
Thank you for your wonderful insights on marriage. I need them right now. I am going through some rough patch in our marriage and reading your articles help me put things in perspective. I feel that being married for a long time that somehow my husband & i have taken some things for granted. I will try to incorporate what i have read here. Thank you.
Yes! Having a vision of the masterpiece and working on it daily. Learning new techniques and enjoying the journey to that masterpiece, together!
Thank you so much for the effort and time you have put into you books and videos! You are an inspiration! You zeal for what marriage really is about is helping many couple around the world I’m sure, even mine!
Love and marriage is a choice everyday to put forth the effort! Not just a fluffy feeling!
Before marrying my husband, as our relationship grew virtually (we were 2000km away from eachother), I asked him “what does it actually mean when you say ?”. His answer swept me off my feet and I knew he was the One. It’s too long to translate and kind of private (though I read it to all our guests on our wedding day), but let me just add that after almost 7 years of marriage, he still confirms each and every day his love to me in what he DOES. His actions towards me speak louder than words.
I can see that a part of my question is missing 🙂 the question was: what do you actually mean when you say I love you?
My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. Back at year 10-11 some life changes put our marriage through the fiery furnace. Career changes, family life, and church responsibilities became overwhelming and our marriage took a back seat. I’m happy to say that today our marriage is in a much better place. The joy and peace we enjoy in our marriage now compared to the loneliness, vulnerability, and heartache of those stressful years when we lost our focus is night and day. My heart yearns for the happiness I find in my marriage relationship and I’m so grateful for the teachings from wife4life that inspire me to keep working at it!
We love going to dinners and taking about our latest interests or doing something new together.
Thank you for wanting the best in my marriage too. Sharing your experiences has helped me see the little ways I can change and to rely on God’s help to see the good in the man I love.
Wife for Life has helped me hone in on what I think I already knew deep down; that a woman has the innate ability, tendency and inclination to create a successful marriage. Growing that sort of beautiful, peaceful intimacy between a husband and wife, just takes a bit (or a lot) of learning, practice and patience. And one person CAN make a difference. Imagining the kind of individual, wife, woman, and partner I can become, (I know I will become) gives me the hope I need to patiently persevere toward a grand marriage!
Marriage is definitely a work in progress and one worth working for. My husband and I have come a long way in 23 years and still have a ways to go – always working to improve. Thanks for you thoughts on making a masterpiece.
Ramona,
As always, you give the most thoughtful guidance without any judgement or guilt. Your words are freeing. I see my husband differently everyday because of what you have been teaching and sharing. He truly is my rock and my love. Thank you for your continued support and kind words.
The BEST, most effective tool I have ever used is prayer, especially when hearts are hard and minds are firm. Sometimes I have to pray for my own heart to soften, sometimes I pray for my husband and/or children’s hearts to be softened. The miracle is, IT WORKS EVERY TIME! Even when I think there is no way, if I just remember to pray and ask for the help I need, divine help comes and saves our hearts and relationships. Sometimes it is immediate, and sometimes it takes a little longer than immediate, but it ALWAYS works! And if anyone doubts, just try it for yourself. It works 🙂
Wow, that shift from thinking ‘a happy marriage is just happenstance’ to ‘a happy marriage is the result of hard work and effort’ seems so obvious now that I’ve read this, but it’s not my natural way of thinking. Thanks for the thinking moment today!
❤️ this thought
For anyone that just ‘happens’ upon a wonderful relationship, whether it’s a marriage, friendship, business, etc., they must be a fictional character or are not being honest with themselves. It does take work. Every day the relationship needs consistent work…balanced with play. ?
I love the comparison you make between a piece of art and a marriage. It takes a lot of work for an artist (really, any artist) to create a masterpiece. The same goes for marriage. When the husband and wife work together in complete harmony they create a marriage “masterpiece.” I look forward to seeing how each of the strokes my husband and I have been slowly adding to our masterpiece will make it a beautiful piece of art.
Thank you, Ramona, for devoting your life to helping other women create beautiful, long-lasting marriages. I am so grateful for what I learn from you. I loved your visual of a pennies placed in a piggy bank one by one. One day at a time, with intentional actions and forgiveness and more and more love, and we will create our own Mona Lisa’s and overflowing piggy banks. Thank you for the imagery, visualization, and encouragement today!
I have loved getting your Valentine’s Countdown Hints! The one that stuck out to me was to “forget the ledger”. Reading that post made me realize how much I subconsciously “keep score”. I am married to the man of my dreams and it is so unfair to him to do this. We have been blessed with an amazing marriage (far from perfect but still amazing) for 16 years now but I know that marriage takes daily work and there is always room for improvement! I saw this quote and I think it fits perfectly with this post! “One of the best examples of a synergistic system is found in a successful marriage…They join their unique talents, abilities, and spiritual gifts and create something new and profoundly different from what they could ever do individually.” Gerald N Lund It is so rewarding to watch the masterpiece that my husband and I are creating unfold day by day!
More fantastic words by you. I can’t express my gratitude adequately for what you do, Ramona. I read your articles and thoughts, and I feel like they give me a skill set that I didn’t have before. Your words will come to mind when various opportunities arise in marriage; I realize now the power I have to choose how I act and to make my marriage everything I want it to be. Thank you, thank you!
Trust is the most important key in marriage. It is the one to companionship, deep emotional intimacy, as well as physical. Without it a marriage is never really a union of souls.
Someone once asked me if I had a blissful marriage, and my automatic response was “No.” I have an absolutely wonderful one, and my husband is my best friend. However, “bliss” implies no effort, and making sure we have a strong marriage is hard work. We’re grateful that for the most part it’s enjoyable work. Thank you for your thoughts and support for this most worthy of endeavors – creating great marriages.
Since you said that love is a talent, I agree that it must be practiced and shared. We don’t practice our musical talents and never perform in front of an audience. We have to put forth hard work and learning and growth and we also have to share what we’ve learned by putting it into practice in our marriages.
Your reminder to invest my OWN time and energy into my OWN skills, like an artist, is such wisdom! Focusing on how my husband can love me better comes so naturally to me. Not a good natural, like the label on a health food. More like the thoughts that come directly from my sin nature!
I appreciate that you don’t stop with the theory of personal responsibility. What I need is the practical advice, the baby steps and date night ideas. You not only inspire me to be an artist, but offer art lessons!
I adore my husband. I also have plenty of times that I want to pinch his head off. In turn, I am sure that I give my honey plenty of opportunities to want to do the same in return. ?.
As I am in my 2nd semester here, I have put my goal of practicing First Respect as my priority. I feel that I need more work in this area and it seems that the other parts won’t be very successful if I don’t have First Respect as more of a habit. I find myself getting frustrated at him over the silliest things and yelling at him for not reading my mind. Soooo, I feel that I need to purposely practice giving him unconditional respect; the respect that is his simply for being my husband.
Additionally, I need to be more aware of those intruders we call the Crazy Ladies. My most common Crazies either yells about how unjust I am being treated or pouts and sulks because I don’t feel heard.
I am so blessed to have found this community. We all share a common unity and that gives each of us a support system that is safe and understanding.
Happy Give-Me-Some-Lovin’ Day!!
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have had our downs through infertility, miscarriage, and loss of an infant. But our ups with birth of 3 children. Through this all we have been there for each other. We have 2 children under the age of 5 and grieving takes a toll and I have had no desire for wifely duties. Then something clicked and lately I had found myself craving time with my hubby and I have seen how both of our moods have changed and the house isn’t so depressing. I want to continue our masterpiece and brighten up some of our darker spots from our journey.
!Happy Valentine’s Day to you dearest Ramona! I will LOVE you forever as your student working becoming a master, to paint that Mona Lisa painting of my marriage.
I’m not an artist (though I wish I was!) but I am a dancer. As I thought about your analogy, I imagined it with dancing. Here we are at the beginning (5 years) and we’re still stepping on feet and turning the wrong way, but with practice and persistence, we will get better and better! And when we dance in real life, we laugh when we make mistakes and understand that we’ll get better with time. I want to remember that mindset when I mess up “dancing” in our relationship too. I’ve got this beautiful vision today of how amazing our “dance” will be with many more years of dancing together. Thank you Ramona!
Ann, I’ll make next week’s blog post and mentor letter for YOU! Dancing is far more “my thing” as well!
What a beautiful reminder! I truly am a “lucky” one, with a remarkable husband, but I have to remember to keep intentionally building the relationship, because if I am not working on building our marriage then I am letting it weaken. In 30 years I want to be the envy of newlyweds like you and Dale are!
I love your focus on mastery and the years long dedication necessary to make eternity a delight. Thank you for all your wisdom and your willingness to share it. Just a thought: I would love it if your emails had a Facebook share button. As it stands, I copy and paste my favorites to share on Facebook.
So beautifully written and just what I needed to hear. In my second marriage for only about 2 years now, I’m slowly learning that I am indeed the only thing I have control over. It’s a hard lesson to learn. Marriage is hard work, but worth it all the same.
This reminded me of a quote I saw the other day: “You don’t fall in love, you commit to it. Love is saying: I will be there no matter what.” While marriage is wonderful and exciting and can take your breath away, it is also work and commitment and sticking through the hard times. When love is built on the foundation of trust and commitment, we can overcome any challenge.
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. ❤️
You know things matter more to you when you work for them. Working toward a great marriage has been a goal of mine since I first heard Ramona speak at a Mom conference. I’m happy to have read through this today because I appreciate the reminder and I really like the analogy of the marriage starting as finger painting and becoming a masterpiece. But again the work put in makes it more meaningful along the journey. Thank you Ramona for your inspiring thoughts and continuing encouragement of us all.
This is a great reminder of the need to constantly make efforts to become better. Just like a long term job, you are learning and changing with whatever it brings you, but your ultimate goal is to improve and make the company better. This is just like a marriage that you learn more about how to make it better, constantly trying to be better and so your overall marriage will also become better.
not only have you been a Leonardo for your own marriage, but also MINE! you have given me wonderful tools and instruction that continuously shift me into greater light and color for my own masterpiece. THANK YOU and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! xo
It is so good to remember that marriages take work – and that is not a bad thing, it is not a failure. I think starting from a place of a long distance relationship helped us build our friendship first. We have a great base of being able to talk things out because that’s all we could do before we got a chance to spend a lot of time together.
Thank you for this reminder! Painting a masterpiece means having a vision and working toward it stroke by stroke. My own marriage continues to improve and I’m so grateful to God for this awesome gift! He is allowing us to create a masterpiece!
Thank you for sharing this wisdom and the reminder that only person I change is myself. I’m learning to create a masterpiece.
I really appreciate your advice and seeing the results is even better!
Ramona, I love this whole idea. I don’t know why we have a tendency as human beings in relationships to think that we if have to work hard at it, it is not authentic. I have fallen into this trap many times. The people who are best at their craft, whatever that craft may be, have spent countless hours honing their skills to become truly masterful at their art. Why would a beautiful artisan relationship be any different? ❤️
I’m realizing what a difference the little things make in our lives. My husband is expert at spontaneity and I hope to be better. Putting the dishes down and stepping away from the little kids to give him my love goes so far! Thanks for your posts. They are so uplifting!
You are amazing and doing great work! We usually think that “the most important work that is within the walls of our own home” refers to children, which it does, but marriage comes first.
Triple A to re-charge your marriage:
-Pay attention
-Offer appreciation
-Show affection
Thanks for the reminder!
Thank you, Ramona, for reminding me, yet again, that this is something I can work at and isn’t left up to chance. I really liked how you described it as going from a leap of faith to deliberate faith. That’s where I feel I am right now. Making the jump to deliberate faith would really improve my marriage. Thank you reminding me of that, and for reminding me that I really *can* do that! <3
I really enjoyed this. Such a perfect reminder that beautiful things take a lot of hard work and effort. I love all of your emails. They are always written so well and are great reminders to work on small things that can make my marriage even stronger. Thank you!
I LOVE that I am the artist of my own grand marriage. I teach Suzuki piano and one of the philosophies of this method is that “Every Child Can” learn to play the piano masterfully. Child “prodigies” are more the product of their own hard work and carefully crafted environments (ie musical immersion and nurturing relationships) than of winning the DNA lottery. I believe this is true of any discipline and attribute we wish to obtain ourselves. It’s so empowering to know that I am in charge of my happiness and the success of my marriage! Thank you Ramona for illuminating this principle for me!
I love how your comments focus on that it takes time and work and dedication. Just like how it takes the same characteristics to become a great artist. It’s always a good reminder that great marriages don’t just happen but they are so worth the time, work and dedication that you put into them.
Your personal story is amazing and your encouragement that putting effort into marriage is what will make it great is inspiring. Thank you. ?
I’ve loved all the encouraging emails and I’m still making my way through the book, one nugget at a time. The crazy ladies haven’t come out since I learned how to head them off at the pass. 🙂
I love all the tips you share and I loved your book and have recommended it to my friends. What I have found works the best for us after 18 years of marriage is trying to put the others needs in front of our own.
Oh how I hope for my marriage to be like yours! Your stories & words show me that there is light through these tough times!
Thank you for your endless encouragement. Even your replies are encouraging and uplifting. Your teaching and honesty gives so much hope!
I love this idea! A good marriage takes time. Even after 15 years of marriage, I still get caught up in wanting our relationship to be perfect like in some movies. I am so lucky, though, to have a husband who loves me and cares for me, even though I am still learning and sometimes my faith isn’t at an all time high. It’s during those moments that I realize we are in it for the long haul – through the ups and downs – together.
I have been loving your book. It has rekindled my hope that a beautiful marriage can come from hard work and faith, not just luck of the draw. Thanks for sharing such an inspiring message.
Thank you for sharing Ramona. This is a timely reminder about the difference we can make to our marriage that it is a journey made up of so many small brush strokes. So glad that they are small brush strokes as the little mistakes can still form a beautiful masterpiece. I just wish I was a better artist when it comes to my marriage.
Kristen, the whole point is that you WILL be a GREAT artist if, like Leonardo, you intentionally educate yourself over time (including learning from mistakes!) 🙂
Dear Ramona, I’ve read Wife for Life, and I love the way you think about things. I’ve really been helped by “first respect” in how I approach my husband. And I understand being responsible for my own happiness. But this Valentine’s Day was a real disappointment. I didn’t spend a lot on my husband, but I put a lot of thought and heart into a gift, and words that I meant and that came from my heart. He got me nothing: not a card, not a gift, not much words besides, “I’m really bad at these sorts of things. I’m sorry.” What do I do with that? He really seems intent on me accepting that he’s “really bad” at making an effort to show love, and that I just have to accept that. Do I go out and make my own Valentine’s Day? How do I move from incredulity at his comment – and more than a little hurt – to acceptance? Is acceptance really the right response here? I honesty have no idea how to even discuss this with him reasonably. Am I being unreasonable in my expectations?
Oh Elizabeth! My Valentines heart is sagging for you…your Cupid’s arrow missed the mark and his Cupid’s arrow never even got into the bow it seems! Ouch! Okay. Here’s my multi part answer. Part One: What went wrong. Part Two: What to do next time. Part Three: What to do now.
Part One: As fun as the idea may be of a setting aside a day to celebrate love, the whole concept sets us up for major disappointment. You were so thoughtful yourself about it, but Your own thoughtfulness was obviously not agenda-less, as you clearly expected some novel expression of his esteem for you (or, come on! …at least a “reward” for your well-intentioned efforts to love HIM!) Unfirtunately, as reasonable as it seems, it’s hard on a lot, if not most guys to remember or feel adequate to “the day”. You and about ten billion others are sad or simmering on the “morning after”. So. He’s just a little normal. (Read Wife for Life, the chapter called “The Pioneer Woman” for my “I’m just bad at” husband story.)
Part Two: Next time (because there always is), if you don’t want to suffer disappointment, you’ll need to take charge of your happiness and communicate clearly and directly what you’d like him to do. “Honey, Valentines Day is on Wednesday, and it would make me happy if….(full in the blank). Will you do that for me?” No dropping hints here. No manipulation. You are speaking his language. He WANTS to knock it out of the park, but needs you to teach him how! He’s admitted straight up that his skills and performance are “lacking” in the area of wine and roses (Romance), which means that he needs your kind, patient help to feel like a success as a husband! (Read Wife for Life, the chapter called “Teaching a Knight to Knit”.)
Part Three: If you can put this incident in perspective and move on, do so. However, if this has really hurt and it’s not going away despite your best efforts, it’s what I call a “smartie”, and you have every right to address it. At an appropriate time and place (remember First Respect), you can say (these words in this order): “You probably couldn’t see it fully, but it really hurt me when I received nothing from you on Valentines Day. I understand you don’t feel adequate about that kind of thing, but it hurt. Next year, I’ll give you the heads up in advance and give you some ideas how to celebrate.” AND THEN, you walk away. You DROP IT. Subject closed. Your point will not be to exact restitution or an apology of any sort (tho he might, but don’t expect it!) Your Point will be only to teach him clearly, directly, unemotionally (which is the language of respect), that something he did (be specific) hurt you, so that he can avoid “failing” again in that area of husbandry. That’s the only point. After that, I hereby give you permission (?) to romance your OWN heart many times over today. Thrill and fill yourself with at least 5 DELIGHTS (See W4L, the Pioneer Woman Challenge). Your wounded heart will bounce back.
Hope that helps Elizabeth! Thank you for sharing and asking!!! xo
Thank you for the reminder that it takes time to acquire the skills necessary to master anything-even marriage.
Marriage is amazing. It is not easy though. My husband is currently struggling with health issues and I have learned a lot in the past few months of how to be more compassionate and not try to fix everything. I need to hug and love and listen more.
So many important reminders! It is easy to get discouraged when something doesn’t come naturally. It DOES take practice & determination! I love the illustration of depositing into the piggy bank. Thank you for showing us the importance of realization and deliberation so that we can dump the rickety staircase and instead have a strong ladder.
I have always thought of making a great marriage as a skill. I would watch my grandma for such a long time and I would notice that what she was doing was a talent in her marriage. She laughed and flirted with my grandpa until her death. They were completely in love and he was completely in awe of my grandmother. I knew then as I continue to learn now that it is art, it is a skill, to make your marriage unique and grand. It isn’t simply because they Lucked out with how easy going they are or how they’d married so amazing that of course this would happen. It’s because my grandmother realized the importance of their marriage and HER contribution in making her marriage a masterpiece. She truly created the most beautiful masterpiece that is influencing many generations following her.
I am loving studying and learning and deliberately painting what will be my masterpiece in the end. Its my favorite thing to do!
I love this! Gives me lots of Hope. I’ve been married for 12 years and I can tell it’s a work in progress and every drop counts. Thank you for this message
Thank you for this beautiful insight and reminder. I have read “Wife for Life”, and think it is time for me to read it again!
Thank you again, Ramona. 🙂 I think while in W4LU class I’m so excited to have a marriage so beautiful as yours, that I have to make sure and remember this will take me many years to create something just as amazing. Not as though it can’t been sooner (and thankfully we are happy now), but practice is practice…so it takes time.
The concept that “successful marriage is an art and a talent” really motivates me to develop myself. The marriages I admire LOOK easy, but I know they just appear that way. The reality is that they took (and continue to take) hard work. I love the hope that comes from realizing the potential that my marriage has!
Thanks for the reminder. If it is worth keeping, we must treat it differently than the things that come flitting in and out of out lives
Thank you for all the wisdom and inspiration you share! It’s just the motivation I need to keep working at our marriage and not putting it on the back burner while motherhood kind of takes over. It’s encouraging to know the little things make a big difference over time.
Thanks so much for the reminder. This perspective has encouraged me not just for my marriage, but other areas as well.
I don’t need a marriage assessment—I know where my marriage is headed. And right now it is looking very bleak. I am hoping to get the gift to use for date nights with my 7 beautiful children. My husband’s and I’s history would be too long to type up. I feel our marriage is toxic due to addiction, deception, and you name anything that would go with the two. I’m just wanting to provide as stable of a life as I can for my children while my marriage is falling apart.
Jill, you are most welcome to write me personally. I’d be happy to listen and help where I can. In all things Wife for Life, your well-being always comes before the marriage. Love to you.
I’ve been wanting some date night ideas. I appreciate your examples of love from the movies. My mom loves certain movies because “[insert hero’s name] reminds me of your dad” (example Leopoldo from “Kate and Leopold”). She gave me a great example of a good marriage.
Beautiful and well put! I like the illustration about pennies in the bank! Thanks for your insight!!
I used to think any marriage worth having would be effortlessly amiable. After four failed marriages and insight from Ramona, I am happy to say, “I am a changed woman.”
I have learned that marriage is something you do for the other person and not for yourself. Great relationships can remain great when you work through your difficulties together. Communication and willingness are the keys. I love the relationship I have despite any difficulties. Thank You
Ramona,
I can’t thank you enough for your insight and ability to express your thoughts in such a way that everyone who is fortunate enough to read your articles will benefit in their relationships. You are a blessing to me and so many women and their husbands. You have been given a gift to help others in what really matters for eternity!
Thank you!
This is exactly what I needed to read this Valentine’s Day. I am very much in the, “finger painting” stage of my marriage. We recently celebrated one year of marriage and welcomed a child. I oftentimes look at my marriage and wonder why it isn’t a masterpiece yet. Why does it look like more of a pig in mud?!? Reading this has helped me to understand that a masterpiece doesn’t happen overnight…it is created through years of meaningful strokes. I have enjoyed being on your email list and will continue to become an, “intentional artist”.
I enjoy reading all your emails that you write up. You have such a lovely, eye-opening, and focusing voice in your writing. Thank you for another lovely piece!
One of our neighbors has such a grand marriage. I watched in awe as they had tiny special moments together while at a neighborhood get-together and I later told my husband, how beautiful their relationship was to witness. I want to take in those tiny moments and make those tiny building blocks, those Legos create something grand like that. I hear your stories and your wisdom and I’ve witnessed these beautiful relationships and I know that is what I want to build with my husband.
Beautiful article that resonates with my own experience. It does take time, perseverence, effort and patience, but the self-discovery, skills and love along the way are worth the effort. Sadly I find that my generation (born in the 80s) were not brought up to cultivate emotional intelligence, and this coupled with a culture of consumerism makes it for many disfunctional relationships & divorces early after marriage.
Before my husband and I got married, we attended an Engagement Retreat as part of the marriage preparations in our Church. They talked about how after you get married, there are actually three entities to your relationship: Husband, Wife and the Marriage- and you need to pay attention to all three if you want to have what W4L would call a grand marriage. Ten years later, and I am often reminded of the truth of that statement. The Husband must be nurtured to grow. The Wife must be nurtured to grow. And the Marriage must be nurtured to grow. And growing things means pushing through the dirt and developing skills, just like gardening.
I love your perspective! I enjoy asking those who’ve been married 40, 50 + years what they’ve learned about “marriage”. A similar pattern emerges – time, hard work, good days, bad days, and lots of patience (to name a few). The result is admiration and love for their spouse, because they know what it took to get through it together.
Much like an artist, it takes time, hard work, good days, bad days, and lots of patience to create a masterpiece. The result is a culmination of all that effort – admired mostly by the artists themselves, because they knew what it took to get to their masterpiece.
My sweetheart and I have years to go, but thanks to Wife For Life University, I’ve learned how to stop and admire him daily for his hard work, and patience through the good days, and bad days. The results so far have been exciting, and I can’t wait to see our masterpiece! AND, in the meantime, I’ll keep enjoying our daily creation of it too!
Thank you for sharing your analogy of Leonardo and the years of learning to be a master. Yes, I agree that marriage can be a masterpiece, but only if the participants are like Leonardo and work to develop it over the long course of life. Thank you for sharing your insights.
You have reminded me that our love needs to be nurtured and cultivated and that I need to make time for only him. I get so focused on what I have to do that I forget that he needs me too…and that I need him. I look forward to the date night ideas since that is certainly an area that could use improving and doesn’t seem to happen unless I make it happen.
I always believed that having a date night with my husband on a regular basis is so important. We’ve had a life change when my mother-in-law came to live with us & needs full time care. So right now my husband and I are not able to get out together. (One of us has to be home for her care.) I know this will not last forever, but I am missing our alone time.
Your videos and articles have helped me realize I sometimes need to step back and really look at every little thing that my husband does to provide for our family and to create a beautiful life. It’s the intention that matters. That and he is awfully cute and makes me laugh!
Michelangelo thought he was going to carve a monumental tomb for Pope Julius II. He had even purchased the marble for the sculptures, going into debt to do so. The Pope called off the tomb project, refusing to pay Michelangelo for the materials he had already purchased, and commanded him to paint the Sistine Chapel instead. The medium, Fresco, was one Michelangelo had never used and which was very difficult to work with. Though he initially resisted and even ran away to Florence to escape, Michelangelo finally took the commission to paint the Sistine chapel, eventually excelling at fresco and changing the history of Western art. In marriage we often begin with pre-conceived notions of how it will be to live with and love another person. We purchase our marble for our masterpiece only to find out that we’re being called upon to fresco in our relationship instead. That frustration can make us want to throw up our hands and throw down our brushes! However, expanding our view and our abilities contributes to making a masterpiece marriage. We often learn the most when our pre-conceptions are challenged and must be put aside to grown in oneness with our partner.
I have spent many years envying relationships that appear perfect and complete because my own is not. I admit that I just assumed they got lucky. Learning that I have the power to change my future, and no matter how small I start things will change, has given me great relief. I’m intimidated by the prospect but also very excited to see where the journey takes us.
Thank you for your work cheering on marriages! May God bless you.
I always knew that marriage would take work just not a lifetime! A journey to create a masterpiece! It takes time and sometimes time is hard to come by! I love this concept and want to work toward a forever marriage!
Thank you, Ramona! Your posts and emails give me courage and hope that I can be a better wife and have an amazing marriage. My husband and I have been through a lot, especially in the last year and a half, but we are still hanging on. I have your book, but unfortunately I am terrible about sitting down to actually read the many books I’ve purchased! I need to make it a priority! Life, responsibilities, and distractions just seem to steel my time!
Ramona, you have much wisdom to impart to those who are willing to listen. As a male, I’m impressed at how well you understand the male perspective! If a wife or significant other is critical, rejecting, or unwilling to accept a partner as they are, the result inevitably creates distance. And sadly, much of the time, the woman has no idea of her role in creating the distance! Blame on a partner is all too easy to assign. Thank you for helping to add perspective to the dynamics of failing relationships!
Such great illustration for what it takes to create a grand marriage. The marriage that we dream and hope for requires work and intention. Thank you for pointing out that a masterpiece like Mona Lisa takes Leonardo DaVinci 40 years to create. It’s all in the daily work that we must do as wives to create the marriage of our dreams. As it was Valentine’s, I was away with my family and did not read my emails until now, so glad I got to read your message. Thank you, Ramona, for helping to create grand marriages and giving people hope for what marriages could be.
My husband and I have been separated and divorced for 2 years. I came across your book and website and realized how many mistakes I made in my marriage. I knew I couldn’t change the past but I decided as co-parents I would use as many of the A’s as I could. Well, after a year of being consistent he has fallen in love with me again and we are getting remarried. I grew up with a single mom and never had a good role model for being a wife. You have taught me so much and I can’t thank you enough! God bless!
Maria Maria Maria! Oh. My. Word. My mouth is hanging open. The change in your marriage is a tribute TO YOU! Glorious. I want to KNOW you! Do you mind if I write you personally via email? And you better believe I’ll be reading what you’ve written here to my Wife for Life University students TOMORROW! We’re (believe or not) focusing on The A’s as our subject matter! God bless you!