The fifth entry in my Classic Hollywood Christmas and Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage series. As I’ve been saying, you can learn a lot from old movies. Not long ago, I used something (for the thousandth time) that I learned (a long time ago) from my favorite Hollywood Christmas movie…
Honey woke me (he didn’t mean to) at 4:00 a.m. while he moved around the room, gathering his things as quietly as possible. Yes, he was leaving me; flying away like millions of miles before. I used to get up and wave until his car was out of sight, but he finally convinced me to stay put. So now I just wait. When he’s ready to go, his knee comes up on the bed as he reaches across the covers and gently uncurls me. We kiss and whisper a prayer.
And then he’s gone.
And then I cry.
Accommodating Accomplishment is the hardest of The Wife for Life Laws of Attraction. I know it is for me. And I know it isn’t just me. Everywhere I go, everywhere I present, every time I mentor or talk with a woman about her marriage, it comes out. Loneliness. Longing. Sadness and sniffles.
“My husband travels every week, two or three days a week. I’m really struggling.”
“My husband is going to medical school and between classes, studying, and the gym, I hardly see him at all.”
“He’s deployed and I’m depleted.”
“He’s already got one degree. Why does he need another one!?”
And my personal favorite…
“My husband has convinced himself that his becoming a Navy Seal is MY dream!”
After forty years and forty thousand good-byes, I think I understand a woman’s point of view…
I live to nurture and live to be nurtured. The problem is that I would accomplish the first by keeping him right beside me as much as possible. And I would accomplish the second by keeping him right beside me as much as possible.
But it doesn’t work that way.
As readers learn in Wife for Life, the male quest is at the heart of his why for both living and loving.
The male quest is so ubiquitous, it’s interwoven into every culture’s and every century’s stories: whether they be fables, folktales, true adventures, or Hollywood movies. And one of the best examples out there, other than Hercules and Odysseys, is one you are way more familiar with: George Bailey (aka Jimmy Stewart in Frank Capra’s 1946 classic, It’s a Wonderful Life).
George perfectly and realistically embodies the male orientation toward performance and accomplishment, and he shows us how that drive defines both he and his marriage. George’s ambitious nature — the drive toward exertion and conquest; the need to leave his mark on the world; his goal to have a work and to work it; his dream to wrestle and wrangle impossible stuff into logical goals—is at the heart of the story that is “George and Mary”…
“Mary, I know what I’m gonna do tomorrow and the next day and the next year and the year after that. I’m shaking the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon…the Colosseum. Then I’m coming back here and go to college and see what they know and then I’m going to build things. I’m gonna build air fields. I’m gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high. I’m gonna build bridges a mile long!”
Of course, George’s quest takes a number of twists and turns through the years…disruptions and detours galore… which ultimately tax his will to live, but his redemption eventually comes… not in the form of an angel named Clarence really, but in the form of another kind of angel…
His wife.
George may be Mary’s hero, but Mary is mine.
George Bailey (as a boy): “I’m going exploring some day, you watch.”
Mary (as a girl): “George Bailey, I’ll love you till I die.”
Even from girlhood, Mary seems to understand, instinctively, that to cherish the man and not his quest is impossible. She knows in her womanly bones that to have confidence in the one, is to have faith in the other.
Well, I know that too of course—thanks to years of research, reflection, and Mary’s example—so I did my best that morning referred to at the beginning of this post, to muffle my sobs, put a patch on my heart, and go about my own work… which, by the way, was interrupted mid-day by this text:
Honey: “can’t stop thinking about u! how u b?”
Me: “little ole me?”
Honey: “i never stop thinking about u.”
Accommodating my husband’s deep-seated need for accomplishment these past 40 years has not been easy, but (as that texted conversation shows) it has been worth it. After decades of sacrifice and struggle on both our parts, not only is he at the top of his game, but I am at mine. Over and over, year after year, he has supported and facilitated my many (sometimes wacky) plans and dreams, all the while tirelessly pursuing his place in this world. In so doing he has made possible a life of love and good works for both of us –the way George does (in masculine style) for Mary and, of course, as Mary (in accommodating accomplishment), does for George.
Pretty wonderful stuff.
Other posts in the Classic Hollywood Christmas series:
Would “Life” Have Been So “Wonderful” for George Without Mary?
Can Enemies Become Lovers? The Secret is in “The Shop Around the Corner”
It’s a Miracle: The Way Transforms Doris Can Transform Your Marriage
What Does Rosemary Clooney Learn About Men in “White Christmas”?
Leave a comment on this post to be entered in The Fourth Annual Wife for Life Classic Hollywood Christmas Giveaway! All thoughtful commenters on this blog between now and 11:59m PST December 31st, 2018, will be entered in a RANDOM.ORG drawing for one of FOUR Hollywood Christmas classics on DVD (including It’s a Wonderful Life) as well as an autographed copy of Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage. Each comment (one per post please) will count as an entry. Come back and comment on all the Hollywood Christmas Classics blog posts (published Wednesdays in December) to better your chances!
I love your way with words, Ramona! (& my hubby’s response on FB). It takes a lot of effort to accomodate accomplishment. I think you and Mary are both my heroines!
Oh Andrea. Very very sweet of you.
This would be very helpful – I live in a house full of males (6 boys & hubby); I’m surrounded by testosterone that daily makes me ask ‘what the heck were you thinking??’. 😉
Laura, I grew up with four little brothers and no sisters, so I can picture your situation quite clearly! :)))) I’m excited for you to see the Understanding Men and Boys. Just sign up at wifefirlifeuniversity.com and they will come one by one over the next few days to your inbox. Enjoy! And write me with your thoughts and questions here or at RamonaZabriskie.com !! Would love to know and help
And after all who doesn’t want their spouse to feel confident and competent at achieving their biggest dreams and goals?! It took time for me to jump on the accommodating bandwagon as I valued our time together more than anything else but as I’ve given hubby the time to chase his dream, he’s given it all he’s got which means the world to me. He reassures me often that he does it all for me. 🙂
Mary makes it seem so easy but I think that’s because she never acts like she’s being forced unwillingly into those hard moments but accepts all of the hardships as something that she willingly chose because she loves George. Definitely a lesson I need reminding of often!
I recall a particularly challenging time in the beginning years of our marriage. Our daughter was an infant and my husband was working tireless, long hours. My husband would leave for work in the early morning & return home late evening; six days a week & then on the 7th he’d be spent & exhausted & would need to rest just to recharge for the next ’round’. I remember, clearly, expressing my dissatisfaction that my expectations of ‘my picture perfect family life’ were not being met when I told him, “Hey! I don’t remember signing up for THIS!” My dear, patient husband took the high road & responded quietly with tender frankness telling me, “I do THIS ALL for YOU & OUR DAUGHTER. YOU are what I live for.” This was a sobering moment for me & his tender words melted my icy heart.
Before Wife for Life, I had never heard of the term ‘Quest’ as applied to husbands’ dreams/drives. Now, I am his champion, like Mary, & with sincere heartfelt intent I desire nothing more than to Accommodate HIS Accomplishment. It’s what I CAN do for him. And, while he is tirelessly slaying the dragons, I am ‘Delighting’ & ‘Dazzling’ my own heart, not for me, but for US, so that when we do spend our time together there is comfort, joy, and love.
Strikes home. Especially since I share her name. My husband doesn’t have to travel a lot, but his quest has certainly taken twists and turns, and I have at times become impatient with that
Mary! You are one of the winners in our Classic Hollywood Christmas Giveaway! Please send me your snail mail address in order to receive your DVD! https://ramonazabriskie.com/contact/
I am watching the movie now and noticed how she was always so supportive when she could have easily complained. She gave up their honeymoon money to save the building and loan business. Then she found a honeymoon nest and made it beautiful and cozy with food, music, decorations, and most importantly, her smile and positive attitude. What a great example!
What a great reminder! I love the way Mary supports George in that movie. My husband is in school right now and I am often sad that we don’t get to spend very much time together. However, I have often found that when I have a good attitude about it and support him in what he needs to do, we are both happier and he makes an effort to find time for us.
That’s it in a nutshell Katherine!
So many good things to learn from both Mary and Ramona! All of the emails/blog posts this month have definitely been eye-opening to me as too often I think in terms of “us” instead of “he” and “I.” By supporting him individually, I in turn support us and our family.
Valerie, I love the way you put that. In my experience working with and educating women who want to be successful wives, I realize now that you are so right. One ironically unproductive way of thinking is to frame all of your behavioral and attitude choices (exclusively) on “us” instead of on “he” and “I”. Too many times, when we’re thinking or saying “us”, we’re fooling ourselves… What we REALLY mean by “us” is “the way I (I, I, I) think we should be, or the way I (I, I, I) think YOU should be”. And then we grind away, trying to force things our way without really understanding how to do it. We shoot ourselves in the foot. There is a MUCH BETTER WAY! That’s what all my work is about. So glad you get that. :)))))
This is probably my favorite post of this series! This is exactly what my life is like right now. My husband is just about to finish his third college degree. I will confess that I have been jealous (and sometimes hurt) that he is pursuing his dreams while I feel like mine are sometimes on hold while I am holding down the fort at home raising two little girls (soon to be three) and not seeing him much during the week. I have learned from this experience that I need to support my husband and be happy that he is doing what will bless our family in the end and make it possible for him to do what he really wants to do, provide for our growing family. The days I feel more supportive of him are the days that feel easier.
Anne Marie, my heart goes out to you! Sounds like you have a very ambitious man, which dynamic comes with it’s own set of challenges. Have you read Wife for Life? (my book) or considered Wife for Life University? I hope you have or will because there is a lot I’d love to teach you about dealing with your special guy (how to care for yourself and how to communicate your needs in a way he’ll understand and respond to, and how to weave your dreams with his, for instance). Stay close and keep learning. You’re doing great.
Your book is at the top of my reading list and I am excited to read it! I am hoping to buy it soon and read it. I would also love to join wife for life university, but finances are keeping me back from it right now.
Love this. Just wish desperately that I knew this earlier!!
We ALL say that, Holly! You know it now and it’s going to be great! Can’t wait to see you in Wife for Life University next month!
You know it now! And it’s going to be great! See you in January at W4LU!
Thank you Ramona for another beautiful blog :). I can definitely see the effect of the change in my perspective on our relationship. I’m happier and more content and he’s more relaxed and shows more care.
I’m so glad Frainaz. I’m eager to get back in school in January and to catch up with you personally! Happy New Year!
So, um I read this post to my hubby knowing I am not doing well at accommodating his truck driving schedule! I told him I have no idea what his drive for performance or accomplishment might be! He said ” my quest is to be with you and have kids! ”
What woman wouldn’t love that response…. me this woman doesn’t love it! What’s my problem? I am on the truck with him as often as my mental and physical health can cope! he says trucking isn’t his ambition! He does it because he has to provide! He also said who is this Ramona lady? Not all males are needing to be ambitious and performing! White personalities are just content! …. so I guess I really don’t understand him:(
Dezie, there is A LOT of Wife for Life understanding and know-how that goes into answering this question. I don’t mean to sound salesy – I really don’t – but I strongly recommend reading my book because I can’t possible write out this answer– it NEEDS a whole book! The ebook, paperback or audio book of Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage are on Amazon at: http://bit.ly/wifeforlife and you can get a free study guide on this website under the “Book” tab. If you don’t want to buy the book, however, you can find it, or ask for it, at your local library! Let me know how it goes as you are reading. 🙂
Thank you for the timely advice! My husband is headed back to work today(his own choosing) and my initial response is “please don’t go,” but now I’m more apt to accommodate his accomplishment! And love that he is driven to do great things!
Yes, Emily, you’re wise to “love that he is driven to do great things”. I hear from so many who have the opposite issue. 🙂
I love this since my husband is in basketball season as a coach, and we just moved with our four little children. My plate is full, but I am trying to stay grateful for all he does.
Not easy, Brittney. Not easy. It is a very fine line we walk, believing in what he is doing, while being careful that our own needs are met. How to express or communicate those needs to him so that he will understand and want to help and support us, is another whole skill set I teach in Wife for Life (all of my writing, the book, and Wife for Life University). Stay close and keep learning!
I love this thought that you wrote: “to cherish a man and not his quest is impossible “. This is so true! Thank you, thank you, for all you are teaching me and others!
It’s my pleasure, privilege, and joy Jen!
Thank you for this! I’ve been thinking of this lately as my husband and I went on a date last night and we entered into a conversation about how in his work he has to cocialize all day and when at home he kind of checks out and he said it isn’t very fair to you and the kids is it? But at least you know why I do it now. it’s interesting and I think so important to recognize the why behind things. Thank you Ramona for teaching us if we know the whys we can accomplish any how…I also wanted to relate this to an analogy I’ve been studying, I’ve learned that the stars symbolize men often far away on their quests, a star becomes a sun when it has planets orbiting around it. So our sun could represent our potential man our potential God, and the women or potential Goddess represents the moon which constantly rotates around the sun at the same time it rotates around the earth( her children). the sun provides presides protects the mother child relationship while on its quest and the moon is like a giant mirror reflecting the suns light to her children. So even though he’s not shining 24/7 she still is able to receive and reflect his light to herself and her posterity. There’s more to this analogy that I don’t quite understand just yet but it’s fascinating to me to see a bigger picture of things 🙂
Yes, Stacia, understanding the “why’s” is crucial. Interesting analogy, which as you say, may require further analysis. My only exception with it, right out of the shoot, is the idea of the woman as the moon, which is sometimes considered or referred to as a “lesser light”. In Wife for Life, we teach women to think of themselves as big and as bright and as powerful as the sun. The maturity and growth of a husband, including his contribution to this world, is as much a reflection of her “light” as anything; just as she is a reflection of his. That’s what partnership is all about in my book (literally). 🙂
Yes! Amazing! That’s what I’ve been missing…that unity! Thank you!
Love the text. So sweet. Those moments in the morning-also sweet. How do we know if you responded to a comment on your blog? I am not tech savvy
Sweet is right, Angela. Precious to me. You should receive an email notice of my reply! 🙂
I may need to watch this movie ? (and I am not much of a movie person). Your teaching of a man and his ambitions is oh so true with my husband. I feel the ‘need’ to support him in his passion for achievement even if it’s not exactly my interest, but he is!
Inspiring wives ARE cherished by their husbands, Jessica. An important aspect of Wife for Life is learning HOW to be that inspiration.
I realize that this is mainly for women but BOY do my wife and i know THIS one! I became a truck driver out of the necessity for an instant career as my ex wife and i had a baby on the way and. We both knew being 22 and working 2 fast food jobs wasnt going to be anywhere close to enough. Flash forward to the remarriage to my bride and myself at the year and a half mark in our marriage with my 10 yr old son and our 6 month old daughter. The oilfield id been truck driving in was slower than slow. Company’s were closing their doors and we found ourselves being counseled by our bishop to move to salt lake city in hopes of landing a local driving job there…..but everything was long haul only. So being as good a provider as possible i took a job with knight transportation as an over the road truck driver being home 3 days a month. Crying every time i left but in my truck sonshe couldn’t see me breaking. 3 months into that i had an opportunity to start leasing to own a truck from my company. She didnt want me to but i wanted to make sure we were never in a situation where i had to depend on someone else for work ever again…. and the next year was one of the worst 2 of our almost 10 year marriage. After all my expenses i was left vivinv her 400.00 a month when before i went against her wishes i was bringing home 700 a week and i was still gone 27 days a month every month. I STILL dont think we have totally emotionally recovered or reconnected from that or from the washington debacle. But we are trying! Anyway sorry so long winded but i felt the need to chime in
Oh Michael! My heart hurts for you and your wife. The dilemma you have been faced with again and again is common to nearly every man who loves his family and thus feels the very heavy responsibility of making sure they have every material thing that they need — the responsibility is especially heavy if he is the sole or primary provider. Too many of us women, traditionally, have not fully comprehended the weight of that responsibility, nor the harm we cause by making our husbands feel like they are failing us when they are necessarily engaged in providing. (That awareness is shifting however, as many women are now the primary or sole providers in the family.) It’s a balancing act for sure: wise husbands are aware of the need their wives have for their partnership in their realm of responsibilities, and do their best to express their awareness and appreciation for the contribution of their wives, whether in-home or outside-the-home based. But the wise wife is likewise aware of and appreciative of and accommodating of (in a healthy way and doses), her husband’s biological and practical need and responsibility to work (see Wife for Life: The Power to Succeed in Marriage), which may necessarily require time focused on that work. I hope your wife reads my book (get it at the library)! You’d enjoy it too I think!